2014 Resolutions

I haven't thought about my resolutions yet, actually, so I will make things up as I go. I feel so aimless, but then again it's not a good thing to aim so high only to fall so hard. Whoever told me that it will be a piece of cake to get 4.0 in uni is a big fat liar! It's only the first semester and I'm already struggling to keep all my subjects balanced between the 80-100 mark. Lesson learnt - do not take "advices" so seriously.

• get a gpa of 3.7 and above for all my semesters

Why 3.7 ? Because I can actually waive my loan and not pay back. I've already owed about 20k by the time I graduate so it would really benefit me to not spend RM150 of my first paycheck to pay off my debt and subsequently take out RM150 every month til my debt is all paid. Fuck being a student is so tough.

• exercise

I haven't done any exercising since I stopped in November 2011 so it would really be good to dust my shoes and get back on track and get a decent body. For my future navel piercing. 

• get another piercing
If my navel piercing didn't reject I'd be so happy but no, my bitch of a body HAS TO kick it out. I'm eyeing for a rook piercing too. Piercings are fun and exciting.

• learn to forgive and forget

Why harbor hate towards someone who doesn't even remember if s/he has hurt you ? So from now on if anyone say/ do mean things to me I should probably just forget about it cause chances are I'm sacrificing my happiness over some assholes being mean. (Well my social science lecturer was being the ultimate bitch yesterday so I'm still kinda angry she had to react the way she did but TODAY IS A DIFFERENT DAY it's a new me so I forgive her.)

• spend more time with my grandparents
I'd really like to be able to drive my grandparents anywhere they want to because I have a drivers license now and I am willing to be a free personal chauffeur. Maybe this excitement will wear off once I have my own kids and have to dread driving them to school. 

Wow this list is so short I really have nothing better to come up with. Probably will add to this list when I think of something worth doing. Yea. I should really get back to my studies.

New Year's Resolution 2013

Today is the last day of the year (again) so let me see what I can cross out from my resolution checklist. Time has gone by surprisingly fast but that's kinda good, I think, cos I don't really like how this year turned out to be. I spent the first half of my year working in Vivo Hotel so basically there goes my supposedly 9-month holiday. Then the rest of my year was spent in Unimas, a university out in the woop woop. Yep, that's it.

• accept my STPM results with an open heart
When the results were out, you basically HAVE TO calculate your GPA yourself and when i got mine, my hands were trembling so much and I was so nervous I couldn't even math. When I regain my composure and figured out my GPA, I was half-screaming because I got exactly the pointer needed for entry into the local university. Although it was pretty shitty, I was glad because my prayers were answered. Thanks, Jesus.

 • get driver's license
YESSS this has got to be the biggest achievement of my life. I was declared a full-fledged licensed driver at the end of August, just in time for my enrollment. You have no idea how much I whined at my mom for her to finally let me get my license. I have more whining to do, too, because she wouldn't let me TOUCH HER CAR. I have a license for Pete's sake. Apparently she doesn't like being chauffeured to work. 

• continue my studies in USA
 This is by far my biggest disappointment. Nope, my hopes were dashed. I don't have enough money, and never will. I get envious of my friends who continued their studies overseas. You lucky bastards.

• positive thinking
My anxieties were alleviated when my grandpa had a seizure, and ever since then whenever I hear a loud thumping noise when I'm trying to sleep, I relive the exact moment when I heard my grandpa fall followed my my grandma's disheartened screams. It's horrible, to top it off my grandma fell and had to go to the hospital. It makes me hate being confined here feeling so helpless.

My last resolution was omitted due to cringe issues. When I blog and write cringey stuff I tend to forget I actually have viewers and it might come back to haunt me so better not. Overall, I didn't really like this year because honestly it could have been better but it wasn't... Glad it's going to be over in another 2 1/2 hours.

Farewell, 2013. It has been a rolley-coastey ride.

   
 

The Malaysian West Virginia

     For my political science assignment,  we have to find a political event and then describe it. My team chose a political event somewhere out in the woop woop, in the outskirts of Kuching and deep inside a dark road. There was not a single street lamp in sight -  I kid you not.

     On the way there, my sceneries to my left and right were both the most fluorescent greenest grass you will ever see in your life. The houses were far apart and it's just greens. It reminded me so much of my stay in West Virginia and honestly, for a moment there I convinced myself I was.

     When we got there, it was a true village. It gave me a similar feeling to my hometown in the rubber estates. Small kids were playing in the small little river accompanied by their parents and oh did I mention the water was UNPOLLUTED AND CLEAR and right at that moment I wanted to jump in. When the time had come, the village head literally screamed into the microphone on the audio system to call out all the villagers. Everyone exited their house in their best traditional costume - the Bidayuh traditional wear.

     One of my observations was that some of people there are so old like omg you must be at least 90 years old! And another observation would be when the village head spoke to us in ENGLISH!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DIDN'T KNOW OLD  PEOPLE IN REMOTE VILLAGES SPOKE ENGLISH!
Shame on you youngsters in universities that cannot even understand simple English.

THE Roommate

I can't believe I'm nice enough to write an entire post dedicated to my roommate. Well here's the thing : this is going to be really negative. Proceed at your own risk.  Not for the sympathetic-hearted.
Two nights ago while I was on the phone in my room ,  my roommate motioned to the door while carrying a backpack,  so I knew she wanted to go out.  I motioned back "go ahead" and then she went.  I didn't manage to ask her where she was going cos there were housemates in the living room so anyone would naturally assume she's gonna be outside studying or whatnot. When I finished exposing my ear to radiation,  I went out and the living room was empty. I didn't know where she went so I got back to my room and slept like a log. 
The next morning,  I thought I heard the roommate's alarm so okay ,  she's back. Since I didn't have any classes I stayed home all day and totally forgot about her until I came back from the library at 12am. GUESS what?  She still wasn't home. I asked my housemate and they said she messaged saying she would be out late but it's already too damn late and they messaged her again but no news.
I got so scared I couldn't even sleep last night. I had so many "what-ifs"  running through my mind. What if she was kidnapped?  What if she was raped?  What if she was KILLED and comes back and haunts me??  I was so damn paranoid I slept with the lights on.  The rationale behind this?  I was afraid she would manifest as a ghost and come back to disturb me.  When I woke up today my eyes were hurting so bad from the glare ugh stupid roommate.
Then at 9.18 sharp she walked through the door as I was eating Maggi. I interrogated her and her explanation for disappearing was cos her "friend"  didn't send her back last night. "FRIEND",  YOU SAY ? You dumb ass just say you went and slept with a guy last night cos I honestly don't give a damn. I don't give a damn about you being missing either,  I just didn't want to be dragged into your problems incase you happen to be found dead in some drain.
So do you see how nice of a roommate I am? I wake you up when you can't wake up for classes in which  you never returned me the favor. I sweep all of your nasty hair you drop all over the house. And I don't make a shitload of noises when I know you have classes late in the afternoon whereas I have classes at dawn. But you do all of the opposites.
You snooze your alarm from 7 til 8 right before your classes start. You never bothered to wake me up when I overslept. And you...  Ugh.
I can't wait to move out.

Not Headstrong Enough.

Well,  today is my 12th day here in Unimas. If I was a little more rebellious and stubborn I could have been funding my way through some expensive universities in KL,  but I wasn't. My dad is harder than steel but I'm only a piece of termite-infested wood.

Before I got here I really resented my dad so much for throwing me here out in nowhere. I still do,  because in this uni there is no working wifi and I don't have broadband,  only really limited mobile data that I try not to use up so fast. Well so far it's looking good,  although my first few days here were a total disaster cos my room looks like a prison cell. When I first got into my room I wanted to just lie down on the floor and cry but I realised the floor is actually really filthy as fuck so I didn't lie down,  I just cried. Don't even get me started on my roommate cos WHO SLEEPS ON A DORM MATTRESS WITHOUT AT LEAST TWO LAYERS OF BEDSHEETS or even one layer for the matter ???? We have communication issues too,  I don't speak mandarin and she doesn't speak English (why???)

Moving on to friends.  I'm so grateful making friends is not an issue for me cos so far I have quite a few friends apart from ex schoolmates.  Best thing about having friends here is wherever I go I will definitely bump into a friend or two and I  feel popular. For like a fraction of a second then I go back to feeling like a wallpaper again.  Hah. 

As for school,  I am taking modern economics and political science (and a few other boring subjects)  I mean WHY modern economics??  Gosh if I wanted economics surely I would have applied to study for economics,  right????  BUT I DIDNT,  RIGHT?!  At least my political science class is interesting and I have an edge over everyone in my class cos nobody seems to be interested in it except for me.  This could kick-start my career as a future corrupt politician,  who knows. And I'll have all your hard earned money to spend on my poodle. Yeah beat that suckers.

The weather here is really batshit crazy though,  just like me know my period except for I'm not on my period every day.  You will NEED an umbrella everywhere you go.  The sun is either burning hot or the clouds hate you and decide to pee on you randomly.  And there are plenty of black birds here too...  Not sure if Ravens or crows but they're most probably associated with black magic. Kinda creepy so I just try not to dwell on it so much.

Nobody Gives A Fuck Anyway

Fuck it all. Where are friends when you need them? Why is it that I can be there for all of you but when I need somebody to rely on, no one comes forward? When I tell you my unhappiness, you say I need to stop being so negative about myself. What do you know if all along you had life the easy way ? SERIOUSLY TAKE A BIG FAT FUCK YOU FROM ME TO ALL OF YOU. 

I'm lost. I don't know where to begin or what to do... I guess I deserve all these mishaps that's happening to me. My parents don't understand. Nobody is willing to hear me out and give me encouraging advices. Just let me die. It's okay. It's not like my existence matter to any of you all anyway. One less burden to my dad. ONE LESS BURDEN TO EVERYONE. 

Can Everyone Just SHUT THE FECK UP

I know the deadline for the offer from UniMas is approaching but for god's sake you don't have to remind me every half a fraction of a second about it!!! Even Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to stand all of y'alls whinyness if he was still alive. Seriously. Give me some TIME okay I don't need your automated biological alarm clock that's programmed to annoy me every damn minute. I am a mature young adult that is just trying to sort her shitty life out so please cut me some slack. Right now what I need is guidance, not pressure. 
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you? 

I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS? 

Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.

Yes I Am An Ingrate Child

Fuck my life, I just wanna cry right now. I have finally come to the realization that tertiary education is only for the rich. Poor people don't stand a chance to study if they ain't got the money. And I happen to belong to the latter category...

I honestly frankly seriously DO NOT wanna go to UniMAS. I am an ambitious person but obviously I don't live up to my own self-expectation... I wanna study abroad. So badly. I wanna go places that my friends boast about. I wanna escape from this country that has nothing to offer. I wanna just... break free. I wish I was born in a silver spoon in my mouth because no matter how well I did in my exams etc I can't compete with those who are below than me for scholarships. Life is unfair and I should be grateful and just accept the offer.

Rm 180 000 for a 3-year journalism degree in Australia. I might as well get a RM 150 000 medical degree from Russia. At least there will never be a jobless doctor because they are always in demand and I can probably pay back the student loan in a few years not a few decades compared to a journalist's meagre salary.

All I can do is just wallow in self pity and suck it up and take the damn offer and study in Sarawak til I lose my mind.

It's not my birthday nor Christmas... so what is this present for ?

Well shit hotel isn't so shit after all. There are still a fraction (probably 0.00002%) of really nice people who frequent the hotel so they're the people that actually make my job less painful and agonizing. 

         The other Sunday a gentleman gave me a pair of gold earrings as a token of appreciation for my effort to help him print out and photo-state something. Its a pair of REAL gold earrings, the design is Indian-ish but very pretty (well he is an Indian so naturally I assume he would be inclined to choose such a design for a Chinese girl). I accepted it without knowing what it was, it could be rat eggs or german cockroaches but then again it was wrapped in a square shape so it could also be an eraser but when I unwrapped it they were earrings. 
        
My manager has been warning me not to accept gifts from room guests because they WILL take advantage of you but because he was good-lookingly charming I took it. I am also a greedy bitch and an idiot. The moment I held it I became paranoid. Like what if he is the bad guy that our Moral books warn about. What if he is a serial rapist on the loose. Or what if he (insert bad thought here) ?
       
 I wanted to talk to him but being the paranoid parrot that I am I couldn't say it so I handed him a note asking him to take the gift back. He didn't want the earrings but in turn told me not to pawn it. And now it's in my posession... what if he really takes advantage of me the next time he comes and be like "oh  you took my gift now gift me a free room" I will be in deep shit then. 

OH SHIT  it's too late

Now What ?

STPM is long gone, and I have finally gotten my offer at UniMAS. It's exactly what I wanted; communications (it better be MASS communication, if the said "communication" is speech communication I will be so pissed).

So, what's wrong darling? EVERYTHING. 

Firstly, if I have to board a flight to SARAWAK to do my degree then I might as well fly to AUSTRALIA instead. Specifically Melbourne because it's fucking Melbourne. 

Secondly, I will be in Sarawak whereas my love will be in Sabah. To be precise, we will be 804++ kilometres away. Such a twist of fate. Thanks a lot, Cupid.

Thirdly, I don't wanna go to Sarawaaaak. 

Fourthly, noooottt Sarawaaakkkk pleeeaasseeee

I seriously don't know what to do. I know you may be cursing me under your breath "you stupid bitch just take the goddamn offer and shove it up your ass" but things just aren't as simple. There is so much to take into consideration of, like transport and food and shelter like I don't wanna live in a longhouse and slaughter chicken everytime I crave for some KFC. I can live in US but that doesn't translate that I will survive Sarawak too.

MY grandparents are a big concern because they're old and ageing  I don't want them to die while I suffer in Sarawak doing a speech therapy degree that I was duped into doing. Oh gosh all these bad thoughts just keep spewing in. And I would much prefer KL because all my friends are there and also all the clubs and piercing shops and my aunt's place which I can crash in every weekend. 

Maybe I will accept this offer, but then again maybe not. I don't know what to do, I am in a mess right now. Can someone come rescue this Damsel in Distress?

"LOST AND FOUND" CORNER, not "I THINK I LOST IT HERE BUT I'M NOT SURE SO I'LL ACCUSE YOU GUYS OF STEALING MY STUFF" CORNER

           Here we go again, another rant about my dumb ass job. In my first month, one guest by the name of Mr. Accusation came with his whole family to ask about the "expensive" shampoo he left in his room when he checked out a long long time ago and also about his "expensive" pen he apparently left in the drawer. The shampoo was still in existence until about 5 years before he came to supposedly came to claim it, which indirectly was our fault for not looking after the items the left (in which he himself didn't wanna look after it well enough to bring it home) whereas the pen simply wasn't left in the drawer. He started a big commotion about how he remember his last known pen location vividly in the drawer where he left it but when we checked, it simply wasn't there. Hey old senile man, it's probably stuck up your arse when you mistaken your pen as toilet paper.

           The latest incident happened just yesterday when this man made a HUGE fuss over a hair gel. A hair-motherfucking-gel ? Who the fuck wanna steal that shit? It was your carelessness of leaving you "brand new" hair gel on your sink, and it doesn't mean it is our responsibility to watch over every single thing you forget to bring back. You called THREE times to accuse us of stealing your cheap hairgel, and said "of I'll never stay in your hotel again cause when I lose stuff in your hotel I never get it back" 
WELL BITCH DON'T LOSE YOUR STUFF HERE THEN ! No need to make a big ass fuss over some hairgel that no begger would even wanna pick up if it was lying on the street. 

            So tired of this job, and yet I can't seem to leave. It's like being in an abusive relationship, its domestic violence, and domestic violence is wrong but you just either don't want to/ cannot escape. 

           On a scarier note... there are phantoms in the hotel. You feel their presence but you can't see them. On the office upstairs that extends like a balcony to the hotel lobby, I can always hear people walk up the stairs in a pair of heavy construction boots. But the footsteps don't belong to anybody... I don't really know. And I DO NOT wanna know.
I guess every hotel has their permanent occupants.

Post - Stpm

So we were waiting for a long time for the results to come out and they were announcing the names of people who scored 3.0 and above... and guess who made it into the list? It's my mentor. Aka boyfriend. No surprise there huh given the fact that he studies extremely hard throughout his Form 6 years. And as for me I was just hoping my name to be called, but it didn't happen. So we had to go take it ourselves instead of being called up to the stage, and when I got the slip I was shaking so hard I could barely tear the sides open. And when I did, we had to calculate it ourselves so Arthur happened to be there and did the math for me. After he was done, it showed 2.08. I screamed so loud everyone was just looking at me and I started tearing up for no reason. Then I came back to reality and realised my prayer has been answered, I was super elated. Although my results are bad, I managed to score the minimum requirement for university entrance. That's something to shout about, right? 

And I don't understand people who complain about getting 3.++ pointers. Come on, I would have been so happy I wouldn't even question it. Stop complain about your fucking result and just be grateful, dammit. Do you know how many cockroaches I would eat if I were to be guaranteed such a result ? I don't think you know.

I've also noticed my PA was short of what I was usually getting... a C for PA?? But I've consistently been good with that subject! I have a strong feeling I should recheck it because even people who aren't so good in PA managed to get a better grade than I do! But at the same time I don't wanna risk my GPA in case I get a lower score than this current score I have. 

I don't know what to do. Seriously, I need some signs from above.

My Anxieties Is Killing Me (Pre-STPM results)

Omg so tomorrow is THE day ! THE day that I've been waiting for all my life, the day I've been preparing since kindergarten for. Right now I am having a lot of different emotions all jumbled up together, pretty similar like a bowl of rojak, but stale rojak. And I don't even like rojak !
Let's break this down.

Nervous : Holy shit I've been nervous all week, wait, it dates back to prehistoric era, not even last week. Its the feeling where you get called up on stage to recite a story you were supposed to memorise over the weekend but your dumb ass brain just decides to forget everything when you have the mic over your sahara desert mouth. Yeh unfortunately it happened to me when I was 7 years old.. and everyone legit laughed at me. And with that nervousness you get a weird sensation that you have to expel faeces from your rectum. It's just like fly eggs in your stomach, instead of the usual butterflies.

Panicky : Omg what if I don't get good enough pointer to get into a university, then I will have to work at the hotel for life and significantly reduce 69% of my IQ by the time I turn 21. What if I don't get 2.00 pointer and everybody gets. What if I can't accept the truth that I did badly and commit suicide?  After all this is my second chance at redemption, also my final chance at education. If so, I have to get started on my will.

Regret : I am overwhelmed with regret for not studying hard enough when I had the chance. I regret not making full use of my potential and I fucking regret procrastinating so much. And I hate my brain. And now I'm just thinking of all the possibilities of me getting good results IF I had studied.

Guilt : I am feeling guilty to have wasted my parents effort to give me a better education but I am just screwing everything up. And now I'm regretting for something I don't even know yet, I'm hoping my results aren't that bad because I'm only expecting a 2.00, nothing more. But if in any cause I miraculously get a 2.0 ++ then I will accept it even better. I have a lot in my mind right now, like, what if I don't live up to people's expectations and I end up disappointing everybody, including my grandparents who so want to see me as a university graduate. And they don't have much time left. Ahh shit.

Basically all that's going through my mind is me hoping for the best but expecting the worse. What if this is the price I pay for slacking off in school? This indeed is a heavy price then. I'mm just so fucking nervous, I don't know what to expect. I'm so nervous I'm so nervous I'm so nervous oh shit oh shit oh shit God have mercy.

Well I guess it's too late to turn back now, but one thing is sure ; if I were to know that I would end up regretting everything, I would still have down the same thing. This is a road I chose for my own, and I have to bear the consequences. Hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Or dead. That's much worse, no ?


CONCLUSION : I AM SO FUCKING SCARED/ NERVOUS/ ANXIOUS/ PANICKY FOR MY DOOMSDAY TOMORROW. 
 AND I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH TODAY! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

FOR MONEY.

So it's going to be 2 months since I started work... well I'm going to enter my third month soon so let me recount to you some of the horrifying things I have encountered so far. 
      
   There's this old man who requested for a day use room, only to come out 2 hours later. You can't deny that he has a great libido! And the woman was much younger than him. But who am I to judge because he is like the God of Prosperity, he tipped me 1O bucks the other day! (Presumably to shut me up about his rendezvous) I don't give a fuck about who he fucks anyway. Damn he fucks  really fast though, Usain Bolt will lose to him.
     
   And then this one time this arrogant bastard told me he was gonna check out late so I was lenient and I agreed to it but after the said time he didn't come out yet so the manager went up to his room and opened his door. Well she was angry at that time because this asshole was disturbing her room sales plus the wrath of a woman is anything but lovely and graceful and *insert nice adjectives here* so you can't really blame her. As if he is not irritating enough to everyone in the hotel, he brought the drama downstairs to the counter and started yelling at me for allowing people to open his door. The fuck? Seriously ? And then the tragedy ended up with the cops showing up at the hotel and I was so shaken up by the decibels of his voice.
     
    Not to forget, today these two chinese guys came up to me and requested for a room with double bed. so I gave them the appropriate room, got everything settled and sent them upstairs. 2 minutes later they came down and asked why is there only one bed. He actually wanted two beds, but he mentioned DOUBLE bed, not TWIN bed. I was also confused as to why would two normal looking non-gay men would want a bed to sleep in. He wasn't angry though, and I felt myself going red. I was embarrassed at first, until he said to my coworker "we are not mountain" (referring to Brokeback Mountain) with the most poker face. I started laughing so hard I crouched down not to embarrass myself further by laughing at my own mistake.
  By the way I'm supposed to be getting my salary today... but IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

This is why Happy Working Day is not celebrated. Nor recognised.

As of today, its been 1 month and 2 days of living as a minimum waged white collar citizen. Well, at least the collar isn't blue. So let me tell you my observation working as a receptionist in a hotel. 
Condoms ? Yeah they're there. Some are still moist when discovered...
Couples entering separately for fear of being seen going into a hotel together to have sex? Plenty.
One of my ex schoolmates whom removed me from Facebook without even have the courtesy to tell me we're no longer friends? Oh did I also mentioned she was seen going in and out of the room with another guy. It's none of my business, really, but I still harbor hate toward her for deleting me off her friend list.
    And so far, there has been two ancient bicycles and a motorbike stolen, with two cars and a hardware shop got broken into. Its a scary place, but you know what's scarier ? Room guests. So there was this 23 year old immature boy who extended his check out time til 1, and by 2 he wasn't out so Kanchanama went up and opened his room door. This boy got so pissed he came down and started shouting shamelessly causing a ruckus. Kanchanama threatened to call the police, in which she did and it was settled by the police. Moral of the story - don't mess with an angry woman. Neva eva kick the hornet's nest.
    I have also seen humans which are beyond stupid with the IQ  of a whale turd. Seriously, if you think you're dumb, these people are beyond saving grace. Now I know there is actually no limit as to how retarded a human can be, and its everywhere.
    And by the way, if you think "customers are always right", take your motto and shove it up your ignorant asshole please. Do us all a favor by dousing yourself with flammable liquid and die a slow, painful death. Thanks. But on the other end of the monochrome rainbow, there are actually two guests that I really like. One of them has tipped me twice during both of his stays since I started working, and the other one addresses me by my name after I told him my name only once. He said he remembers my name because there're only so few of us, but hey he's kinda cute so it's okay. And speaking of cute, I remember this particular hot as fuck room guest. He walked up to the counter and I kept staring until I noticed his boyfriend. Bummer. He was really hot, like a younger and hotter Nigel Barker with golden hair hidden underneath a cap. So yeah this job has cons that over weigh the pros, but hey at least I get paid to sit and just get verbally abused. It's not that bad, really.

birthday!

yay.

Don't Wish Me "Happy" Birthday.

Today is my last day to be a teen... and honestly I don't like this feeling I'm getting, AT ALL. It's like my anxiety is just telling me "you're gonna be 20, someday you're gonna grow old and lose your dependence for your parents and you will have your own kids and then you grow old and die". I don't like this thought. Teen years are probably the years in which I have the most memories in, the ones I love the most because it was in this period that I discovered friends, did crazy things and loved. I don't know, turning 20 is supposed to be happy and all but thinking of my friends who turn 20 later in the year, I get jealous. Why can they appreciate more time as a teen but I don't? I know everyone's gifted with the same amount of time but I wish I was born later in the year. Then I would have so many more choices of guys to date because I like guys older than me... but I've found mine so it's bearable. And I like being young. I don't know, my mind is a mess right now. I don't wanna be 20! I know I will be fine after I hit 20 but this is still a huge blow to me. The funny thing is that every year I try to compare my "before and after" years... and not to my surprise it feels exactly like the year before. My brain is a mess and after this I will assume so much more responsibilities. So my brain needs to stop worrying because I have exactly a year before I'm officially an adult. Right? An at least I get the day off for tomorrow.

2013 Resolutions

Here we go again, this resolution-writing has become all too familiar for me. I've been doing it for three years without missing a beat so that's a good achievement to begin with, and if only I'd put that in my 2012 resolution list. Oh well. Time can't turn itself back, so it's too bad then. An opportunity to cross it off the list is missed. 2013, be good to me.

• accept my STPM results with an open heart
I kinda already know how badly I screwed up int he exams and heck, I even constantly dream about having to sit for the exam without preparation way after the exams already ended but I can't help it. I can't help but still wish for good grades and a 3.0 pointer. That's an impossible feat considering the fact that I screwed up pretty much all my subjects badly especially Chemistry. Thinking back about my paper 1 can make me cry tears of blood. What's done is done and nothing can be changed, so I might as well embrace it.

• get driver's license
Wow this was my 2010 resolution and 3 years later it still has not come true... I am a sore loser. All of my friends are going places with a car and a car license but me. I'm pathetic.

• continue my studies in USA
I just love USA so much. And also it would be a great getaway from everything that I hate here.

• positive thinking
Stop getting jealous at everyone who have the luxuries of traveling around the world. Stop wallowing in self pity when everybody else has a better life than me. Just don't give so many fucks. 

• last forever with my boyfriend
Is this wishful thinking? I really really really hope we can work out, because he is so perfect and he is everything I ever wanted. I knew I loved him before I met him. Before he came into my life I missed him so bad. And I am actually making an effort to make this work, because I want "us" to still materialise in the future. I know that you skeptics may say "anything can happen" but fingers and toes crossed, only positive changes not negative changes. I really love that boy.

Well I guess that's it? I can't think of anything else anymore. Let's check back in a year's time.