Fuck it all. Where are friends when you need them? Why is it that I can be there for all of you but when I need somebody to rely on, no one comes forward? When I tell you my unhappiness, you say I need to stop being so negative about myself. What do you know if all along you had life the easy way ? SERIOUSLY TAKE A BIG FAT FUCK YOU FROM ME TO ALL OF YOU.
I'm lost. I don't know where to begin or what to do... I guess I deserve all these mishaps that's happening to me. My parents don't understand. Nobody is willing to hear me out and give me encouraging advices. Just let me die. It's okay. It's not like my existence matter to any of you all anyway. One less burden to my dad. ONE LESS BURDEN TO EVERYONE.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Can Everyone Just SHUT THE FECK UP
I know the deadline for the offer from UniMas is approaching but for god's sake you don't have to remind me every half a fraction of a second about it!!! Even Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to stand all of y'alls whinyness if he was still alive. Seriously. Give me some TIME okay I don't need your automated biological alarm clock that's programmed to annoy me every damn minute. I am a mature young adult that is just trying to sort her shitty life out so please cut me some slack. Right now what I need is guidance, not pressure.
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you?
I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS?
Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you?
I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS?
Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Yes I Am An Ingrate Child
Fuck my life, I just wanna cry right now. I have finally come to the realization that tertiary education is only for the rich. Poor people don't stand a chance to study if they ain't got the money. And I happen to belong to the latter category...
I honestly frankly seriously DO NOT wanna go to UniMAS. I am an ambitious person but obviously I don't live up to my own self-expectation... I wanna study abroad. So badly. I wanna go places that my friends boast about. I wanna escape from this country that has nothing to offer. I wanna just... break free. I wish I was born in a silver spoon in my mouth because no matter how well I did in my exams etc I can't compete with those who are below than me for scholarships. Life is unfair and I should be grateful and just accept the offer.
Rm 180 000 for a 3-year journalism degree in Australia. I might as well get a RM 150 000 medical degree from Russia. At least there will never be a jobless doctor because they are always in demand and I can probably pay back the student loan in a few years not a few decades compared to a journalist's meagre salary.
All I can do is just wallow in self pity and suck it up and take the damn offer and study in Sarawak til I lose my mind.
I honestly frankly seriously DO NOT wanna go to UniMAS. I am an ambitious person but obviously I don't live up to my own self-expectation... I wanna study abroad. So badly. I wanna go places that my friends boast about. I wanna escape from this country that has nothing to offer. I wanna just... break free. I wish I was born in a silver spoon in my mouth because no matter how well I did in my exams etc I can't compete with those who are below than me for scholarships. Life is unfair and I should be grateful and just accept the offer.
Rm 180 000 for a 3-year journalism degree in Australia. I might as well get a RM 150 000 medical degree from Russia. At least there will never be a jobless doctor because they are always in demand and I can probably pay back the student loan in a few years not a few decades compared to a journalist's meagre salary.
All I can do is just wallow in self pity and suck it up and take the damn offer and study in Sarawak til I lose my mind.
It's not my birthday nor Christmas... so what is this present for ?
Well shit hotel isn't so shit after all. There are still a fraction (probably 0.00002%) of really nice people who frequent the hotel so they're the people that actually make my job less painful and agonizing.
The other Sunday a gentleman gave me a pair of gold earrings as a token of appreciation for my effort to help him print out and photo-state something. Its a pair of REAL gold earrings, the design is Indian-ish but very pretty (well he is an Indian so naturally I assume he would be inclined to choose such a design for a Chinese girl). I accepted it without knowing what it was, it could be rat eggs or german cockroaches but then again it was wrapped in a square shape so it could also be an eraser but when I unwrapped it they were earrings.
My manager has been warning me not to accept gifts from room guests because they WILL take advantage of you but because he was good-lookingly charming I took it. I am also a greedy bitch and an idiot. The moment I held it I became paranoid. Like what if he is the bad guy that our Moral books warn about. What if he is a serial rapist on the loose. Or what if he (insert bad thought here) ?
I wanted to talk to him but being the paranoid parrot that I am I couldn't say it so I handed him a note asking him to take the gift back. He didn't want the earrings but in turn told me not to pawn it. And now it's in my posession... what if he really takes advantage of me the next time he comes and be like "oh you took my gift now gift me a free room" I will be in deep shit then.
OH SHIT it's too late
The other Sunday a gentleman gave me a pair of gold earrings as a token of appreciation for my effort to help him print out and photo-state something. Its a pair of REAL gold earrings, the design is Indian-ish but very pretty (well he is an Indian so naturally I assume he would be inclined to choose such a design for a Chinese girl). I accepted it without knowing what it was, it could be rat eggs or german cockroaches but then again it was wrapped in a square shape so it could also be an eraser but when I unwrapped it they were earrings.
My manager has been warning me not to accept gifts from room guests because they WILL take advantage of you but because he was good-lookingly charming I took it. I am also a greedy bitch and an idiot. The moment I held it I became paranoid. Like what if he is the bad guy that our Moral books warn about. What if he is a serial rapist on the loose. Or what if he (insert bad thought here) ?
I wanted to talk to him but being the paranoid parrot that I am I couldn't say it so I handed him a note asking him to take the gift back. He didn't want the earrings but in turn told me not to pawn it. And now it's in my posession... what if he really takes advantage of me the next time he comes and be like "oh you took my gift now gift me a free room" I will be in deep shit then.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Now What ?
STPM is long gone, and I have finally gotten my offer at UniMAS. It's exactly what I wanted; communications (it better be MASS communication, if the said "communication" is speech communication I will be so pissed).
So, what's wrong darling? EVERYTHING.
Firstly, if I have to board a flight to SARAWAK to do my degree then I might as well fly to AUSTRALIA instead. Specifically Melbourne because it's fucking Melbourne.
Secondly, I will be in Sarawak whereas my love will be in Sabah. To be precise, we will be 804++ kilometres away. Such a twist of fate. Thanks a lot, Cupid.
Thirdly, I don't wanna go to Sarawaaaak.
Fourthly, noooottt Sarawaaakkkk pleeeaasseeee
I seriously don't know what to do. I know you may be cursing me under your breath "you stupid bitch just take the goddamn offer and shove it up your ass" but things just aren't as simple. There is so much to take into consideration of, like transport and food and shelter like I don't wanna live in a longhouse and slaughter chicken everytime I crave for some KFC. I can live in US but that doesn't translate that I will survive Sarawak too.
MY grandparents are a big concern because they're old and ageing I don't want them to die while I suffer in Sarawak doing a speech therapy degree that I was duped into doing. Oh gosh all these bad thoughts just keep spewing in. And I would much prefer KL because all my friends are there and also all the clubs and piercing shops and my aunt's place which I can crash in every weekend.
Maybe I will accept this offer, but then again maybe not. I don't know what to do, I am in a mess right now. Can someone come rescue this Damsel in Distress?
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