Omg so tomorrow is THE day ! THE day that I've been waiting for all my life, the day I've been preparing since kindergarten for. Right now I am having a lot of different emotions all jumbled up together, pretty similar like a bowl of rojak, but stale rojak. And I don't even like rojak !
Let's break this down.
Nervous : Holy shit I've been nervous all week, wait, it dates back to prehistoric era, not even last week. Its the feeling where you get called up on stage to recite a story you were supposed to memorise over the weekend but your dumb ass brain just decides to forget everything when you have the mic over your sahara desert mouth. Yeh unfortunately it happened to me when I was 7 years old.. and everyone legit laughed at me. And with that nervousness you get a weird sensation that you have to expel faeces from your rectum. It's just like fly eggs in your stomach, instead of the usual butterflies.
Panicky : Omg what if I don't get good enough pointer to get into a university, then I will have to work at the hotel for life and significantly reduce 69% of my IQ by the time I turn 21. What if I don't get 2.00 pointer and everybody gets. What if I can't accept the truth that I did badly and commit suicide? After all this is my second chance at redemption, also my final chance at education. If so, I have to get started on my will.
Regret : I am overwhelmed with regret for not studying hard enough when I had the chance. I regret not making full use of my potential and I fucking regret procrastinating so much. And I hate my brain. And now I'm just thinking of all the possibilities of me getting good results IF I had studied.
Guilt : I am feeling guilty to have wasted my parents effort to give me a better education but I am just screwing everything up. And now I'm regretting for something I don't even know yet, I'm hoping my results aren't that bad because I'm only expecting a 2.00, nothing more. But if in any cause I miraculously get a 2.0 ++ then I will accept it even better. I have a lot in my mind right now, like, what if I don't live up to people's expectations and I end up disappointing everybody, including my grandparents who so want to see me as a university graduate. And they don't have much time left. Ahh shit.
Basically all that's going through my mind is me hoping for the best but expecting the worse. What if this is the price I pay for slacking off in school? This indeed is a heavy price then. I'mm just so fucking nervous, I don't know what to expect. I'm so nervous I'm so nervous I'm so nervous oh shit oh shit oh shit God have mercy.
Well I guess it's too late to turn back now, but one thing is sure ; if I were to know that I would end up regretting everything, I would still have down the same thing. This is a road I chose for my own, and I have to bear the consequences. Hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Or dead. That's much worse, no ?
CONCLUSION : I AM SO FUCKING SCARED/ NERVOUS/ ANXIOUS/ PANICKY FOR MY DOOMSDAY TOMORROW.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH TODAY! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.
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