Sabah, You Beautiful Place

      So, during my last mid-semester break ever I went on a magical unicorn trip with my friend Erica to Sabah, on 12/4-16/4. It was beyond what I imagined, a thousand times better. So, without further delay let me take you on a magical ride on my unicorn through my experiences. 

      We started planning this trip in early February before it finally happened in April. There were many obstacles encountered, for instance when my choice of airline decided to suspend itself so all flights for April were suspended as well. And then I had to buy new tickets which were 2x as expensive as my original tickets. In which if they suspended themselves earlier, I could have gotten even cheaper tickets that my original tickets. Anyway moving on. 

DAY 1

      I arrived at about 3pm, and so did Erica. As soon as we exit the airport, we got on the shuttle bus to the city. Once at the city, we checked in to this place called The Bunk on Gaya Street. I saw people raving about this place online, so I decided to give it a try. We walked around the city center in the evening, and managed to catch the last sliver of sunset just as it was emerging on the other side of the globe. 

Our first sunset!

      So we went back to get some sleep. But that place was so hot. Okay, that's not really a huge issue so I just sucked it up and went to bed right after the loud ass China people went to bed. Then I was woken up in the middle of the night to the loud ass sound of a white man trying to flirt with the female receptionist who was pumping the leaking shower water. I looked at the time, and guess what? It was 2 FUCKING AM in the fucking morning. He was flirting with her the whole time talking about congested sewage water. Dude... you could bring your loud ass downstairs and flirt with her there.

DAY 2

      We woke up early for some sang nyuk mian, and oh man they were good. 

Pork pork pork pork pork 

      We then walked to Jesselton Point to catch a boat to Pulau Sapi and when we reached the pier of the island I went OH MY GOD because the water was so so so so SO blue and clear! I have yet to see such beautiful clear sea in my life until now (and yes I am very well aware that there are clearer seas in Thailand or the Philippines, I'm almost there!). 

Looook at thaaaat ooommggg

      We had our snorkeling gear and when we found a secluded spot after doing some steep slippery rock climbing falling and screaming multiple times, we reached out little private space. The water was so tempting so I went inside and OH MY GOD the sea was SO SALTY my eyes were burning! 

My private little tree trunk 

      Afterwards, we got back to the Point at 3pm to go to Kundasang. But we had a problem with the car rental. The car rental made empty promises so we had to look for other car rentals and we found a legit car rental place at the last minute so we took it. It was a manual because manuals are cheaper and I can drive manuals so I agreed. But I vastly underestimated the road to Kundasang, because the road was winding, serpentine AND uphill and I couldn't go beyond 3rd gear for fear of the car rolling down backwards. AND then it started raining and then at some parts of the UPHILL AND WINDING ROAD IT WAS FULL ON FOGGY. Like my field of vision was legit limited to 2 meters in front of my eyes, no joke. It was as though as if I drove straight into Silent Hill. I couldn't even see the car in front of me, let alone oncoming cars from the opposite side. I was screaming to Erica the whole time because ERICA I'M BLIND I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING but in the end we made it to our place for the night, Jungle Jack Backpackers. 

     

      Oh my, Jungle Jack Backpackers' was such an amazing place. We had a couple as roommates, and everyone there were so so friendly! I love how social that place is. Later on we met two other travelers, Lancy and a crazy Slovakian (this is the second crazy Slovakian I met). Did I mention the weather was 16 deg C ? The weather was 16 deg C. 

DAY 3

      The sun rose at 5+ and by 6 I was already up because it was already bright. The moment I opened our cabin door, I was awestruck. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes (and the door) was the majestic Gunung Kinabalu right before my eyes. It was such a unique experience, to be able to see the highest mountain in SEA as soon as I wake up. This experience definitely is on top of the list next to the feeling of waking up in a foreign country. 

My view from the front door. How blissful.

      So our plans today were to go to the Desa Cattle Dairy farm to see some cows and drink some cow milk, so we did that. The scenery there was so beautiful, the pasture green dotted with the occasional cow dung. 

It's me, Erica, and our NY friend Lancy!

    The next place we went to was Kinabalu Park, where we took a short tour around the Park. Nothing special there, but we still spend an hour there despite running short on time to our next destination. 

     Our most awaited destination next was Ranau, where we had planned to paraglide. The waiting time was so long that we had to extend our car rental but it was 100% worth it!!!! It was such an amazing experience because paragliding feels just like flying without wings. I was fueled with adrenaline the whole time I was up there in the sky, and even when I crashed on the ground during landing. I highly recommend paying the hefty sum for it, and this is definitely an experience to repeat. I absolutely loved spending every minute in the sky, and I discovered that I don't have a fear of height. 

Fun fact: this instructor was a really cool dude from Kuching!

     Because it was already late when we finished flying, we drove back to KK late as well. This time it's driving downhill, and it's equally as challenging as driving uphill because since I didn't want to exhaust the brake, I was trying to drive at 2nd gear and even at such low gear, the speedometer went up to 60kph. ON 2ND GEAR!!! What the fucking fuck it shows how steep the road is. Again, I entered Silent Hill where I couldn't see anything, but this time a car broke down in front of me. A CAR BROKE DOWN. IN FRONT OF ME. IN SILENT HILL, THE FOGGIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. I couldn't see oncoming traffic, neither could they see me, so I trailed some dude with huge ass balls that overtook the broken car despite being temporarily blinded in this area, because my train of thought was that if there was really oncoming traffic, he'd get hit first not me. I'm so smart sometimes but anyway moving on.

     We reached KK at 6+, so we were still early to return the car. All is well again when we returned the car, cause the car was in tip top condition despite me being so panicky that I'd dent it. Some food later we were back at this new hostel called H2 Backpackers where there weren't any obnoxious China people anymore. I took the top bunk and let me tell you, it was HELL to climb up because the ladder was a vertical 90deg ladder. With absolutely no support that a normal bunk bed has. 

DAY 4

      We went for some Tuaran Mee in the morning before heading to two islands, which are Pulau Mamutik and Pulau Manukan. Pulau Mamutik has nothing much to offer because it was crowded with China people and there weren't any private areas like Pulau Sapi that we could retreat to, so it was pretty boring. We then made our way to Pulau Manukan, and it was worse. There weren't many people, but there wasn't anything to see in the sea either. It was such a boring little island but I got a sweet tan so it's all good. 

Tuaran mee!

Legs for only maybe 2 days

      Lancy contacted me to go for dinner right after we had dinner so we agreed. Then after dinner, since we checked out of H2 Backpackers and didn't have accommodation for the night, we went to her hostel. The receptionist gave us a 4 bed female dorm, and when we entered, someone already set their stuff on the bottom bunk. Just as Lancy was telling us about her experience of sharing a dorm with a male despite requesting for a female dorm because she was suspecting that our roommate couldn't have been a girl, guess what? A blond curly haired German dude walked in. Wow. Not that I'm complaining, but this was supposed to be a female dorm? And Erica slept on top of him. Literally. 

DAY 5

     We didn't have much to do today after breakfast, so we went to Suria Sabah mall before going back to the hostel to check out, then going over to Centrepoint for ice cream. However, Erica was running short on time so she left first and then it was just me and Lancy. We caught The Jungle Book (a really good children movie!) then ate some vegetarian buffet with sushi for RM10 per person! And then it was my turn to leave. So I made my way to the airport with over 3 hours to kill before my flight at 11pm. 

      This whole trip has been such an amazing experience, and it was a trip where I had many firsts. It was my first time paragliding, it was my first time seeing Mount Kinabalu as soon as I woke up, it was my first time seeing such clear blue sea, and it was my first time driving in such a challenging situation. It was also my first time travelling with Erica, and it has been a very magical unicorn trip. This trip only further fuels my desire to wander the world, and now my wanderlust is uncontrollable. 

     I look forward to more trips in the future with you, Erica. You have been a good company with your constant snapchats and perving on me when I least expect it, and I hope this trip does not deter you from sitting in my car next time. Love you !

Bittersweet Memories

If there is one single thing I cannot understand from having been alive for 23 years, it is the nature of human relationships. Sometimes strangers become friends or lovers, that's good but when friends and lovers become strangers, it hurts me. Every single friend I've ever had that turned into strangers, I grieved for them all. Every single lover that decided I was not what they loved, I grieved too. To me, once you've entered my life, you are a part of me. No matter how far away you've walked out of my life. No matter how long ago you left. You mattered. And it's always sad for me to lose people that have entered into my life because I form attachments with them. 

And when someone leaves, I always beat myself up. Was I not good enough for them? What did I do wrong? Why didn't they give me a chance to redeem myself? I spiral into a circle of heartbreak and self loathe. Yeah, it breaks my heart to be treated like a doormat; where people can walk in and out as they wish. It affects me deeply to know that they were not the person I once used to know. And it sucks. It sucks even more to remember the good old days we used to spend together, when it was all nothing but sunshine and butterflies. 

And the worst part is a change of heart is irreversible. The person who once looked at you like the universe resided in your eyes does not even bother to glance at you anymore. The person who was once addicted to your angelic voice does not even bother to call you anymore. The person who was once head over heels in love with you does not even feel the same anymore.

The fact of the matter is, you did not change. They did. 

Is this what being an adult really is like? Full of heartbreaks and sadness? If so, I don't wanna be an adult anymore.

First Time in VIETNAM!

     Okay so this post is way overdue, 1 month and two days to be exact so do you see where I'm coming from? I have very chronic procrastination issues and it's very hard for me to get going but once I start off, I am fine. But to get started is the hardest part... help me.

     So I went to Ho Chi Minh City on the 11/1 - 16/1. This trip is a very important milestone in my life because this was my first solo overseas trip that my parents ever allowed me to do so I was very excited !!! It's not exactly solo because I traveled with a buddy there but still! Why HCMC ? Because my dad ruled out Cambodia as a poor 4th world country with nothing to offer and also because landmines (what??? dad's logic). And also because it was pretty cheap to fly there from KL as well, my return flight tickets were only RM315. 

DAY 1

     My flight took off at about 12pm local time, and I arrived at Tan Son Nhat Airport at about 3. So from there I took bus no. 152 to Ben Thanh Market, where Pham Ngu Lao was. I have no idea what to expect; I didn't know my stop and I didn't really know how to get there from the stop either but fortunately, there was a fellow Malaysian with me who was heading to the same place so at least we were somewhat fucked together. And then we met a Vietnamese tour guide who was more than willing to help us with directions; and that was my first of the many friendly encounters with the locals.

     I managed to find the hostel I was staying at, it was hidden inside a restaurant called Punjabi. I got there and waited for my travel buddy who was supposed to arrive at about the same time as me to check in, because he made the booking and it was under his name. Tick tock. 5 minutes passed. 10. 20. 30. 45. Finally the very nice lady allowed me to check in under his name probably because she was sick of looking at my face because I've been sitting in front of her for almost an hour. About an hour later after the hour, I FINALLY heard from him. So many things were running through my mind, like did he step on a landmine and die? Did the bus run over a landmine and explode? Did the landmine die ??? Okay the last one doesn't make sense but still. Well, it turned out that he had food poisoning. Food poisoning is like the worst way to die because you simultaneously shit and vomit out of both holes at the same time, so I completely understood his plight. 

     So, since I didn't want to get food poisoning on my first day here either, I chose to eat pasta. Yes. Pasta in Vietnam. Don't question it please.

     Did I mention that I survived crossing the roads here? The traffic here is so insane, my first thought when I had to cross the road for the first time was "fuck this fuck that fuckity fuck me". Apparently you don't wait for the road to clear up because it never will, so what you do is just go ahead and cross and the traffic will flow around you, just as long as you don't chicken out. I tested it and it was like magic - the traffic just goes around you so if you want to commit suicide here it's gonna be really tough. 

DAY 2

     So I went out for some Vietnamese food in the morning (finally!) and it was really good, no lie. My love for cha gio will never die.

     And then I walked into this little cafe and I had my first taste of cute Vietnamese boys. I forgot the name of the cafe cause I was obviously distracted by the waiters. Oh wait... I just noticed that the cafe name is right there in the picture. 

 

     So, since I didn't feel like getting mugged in the streets, I went back for a nap and SURPRISE I wasn't a solo traveller anymore! My travel buddy finally showed up (about time he did) and I was so happy/ relieved because a part of me was 100% convinced that I was going to be left here alone. 

     I was equally as surprised to see that coke in a glass bottle still exists??? I remember drinking these kinda coke back in my mom's hometown in the rubber estate, Bahau when I was 5. And at that moment I was so tempted to smuggle one home for old time's sake.

DAY 3

     Day 3 was Chinatown Day and I had a culture shock in the bus on the way there. If I've ever drove you around, you'd know that I absolutely cannot lay my hands off the honk and based on the incessant honking 24/7, I thought I'd feel right at home. Wrong. I swear the bus driver honks at anything, everything, and NOTHING. The road was straight with nothing in front of you, WHY ARE YOU HONKING??? 

Obviously we got lost because I wanted to go to Chinatown but I have absolutely no sense of direction. Basically it was just a huge market everywhere.

     Well to be honest it was my fault because I dragged us there, so after wandering aimlessly forever his rationale was to have coffee and we did! One thing I noticed with the drinks served there is that it is usually accompanied with a glass of tea. Very fragrant tea, tasted like Jasmine but not exactly that. So in that little coffee shop there are tiny stools for you to sit on that allows you to watch people, and they have tiny coffee tables as well and it was like a little coffee place made for adults. 

     So instead of taking the bus back we walked back because I said the words "If you can do it I can do it" or something along those lines. I said it because he had a huge hole in his knee from a fall and he wanted to walk, so I figured since I did not have a hole in my knee I should be fine walking back. Trust me when I say the hole is huge. Plus, it didn't seem too far from the bus journey there so why not? 

     Not even halfway into the journey I realised what a grave mistake I have made. He kept marching on non stop while I was getting slower by the pace, heavier by the steps. The weather didn't help either cause I'm pretty sure it could have well been 40 deg Celcius at that time because I honestly felt like my body cells were slowly shutting down. Not even halfway into the journey and I've already started asking "are we there yet?". Not even halfway into the journey and I've already wanted to just sleep on the streets for the night. 

     FINALLY we made it back and I just collapsed on the bed. It wasn't until later that we went out for food, and naturally I inclined towards a bowl of pho and it was the only bowl of pho that has ever made me wish for death. Here is the pho in question. 

     The moment I ate it, I felt that something was wrong. No, nothing is wrong with the food because it was piping hot. Well, even before I ate it I felt a little unwell, so I attributed it to being unwell. WRONG AGAIN. I ate about what? 7 spoonfuls? before I decided to waste the whole bowl. On the way back I felt like my stomach was revolting against me. A World War 3 erupted in my digestive tract and food was coming out from everywhere. Remember that R rated description I gave you about food poisoning above? It happened to me. FIVE times. And he had to clean my vomit so José, I am really sorry about that. 

DAY 4

    The next morning I was so much better, but still unwell so we had French food! Holy smokes that baguette was so good I have no words. Tres delicieux! Je veux manger la baguette encore.

     Our next destination was the art museum. The walk there was much better, it was almost nothing compared to the walk the day before. 

    There's nothing much to shout about about this museum, but maybe that's because I don't know how to appreciate art. Oh well.

     By the way I had another culture shock when I went into McDonalds and I saw pork being sold??? Okay I might have overexaggerated a little bit but it was definitely unusual for me to see pork on the menu because, you know, pork and sex is haram in Malaysia. I didn't get the pork burger either because, you know, pork and sex is WHO AM I KIDDING I DON'T EVEN EAT KETCHUP OR MAYONNAISE. 

     This particular McD was already playing Chinese New Year songs when I stepped in, and it was the weirdest thing ever because those songs are Mandarin New Year songs I used to listen to, sung in Vietnamese. I think my brain broke trying to make sense of the songs, and the only way I could describe this weird sensation is Nestum Squid.

     It gets dark by 6pm there, and by dark I mean pitch black and by 6pm I really mean 6pm. Pitch black at 6pm. We headed to the Saigon Central Post Office because I was really interested in this other architecture Gustave Eiffel designed, and I vastly underestimated the distance. The map said 2km, but in actuality it was so much more than 2km. I know this for a fact because my travel buddy complained that it was really far. And you know this for a fact too, because he can really walk (ahem Chinatown, anyone?). 

DAY 5

     Day 5 was beach day! Since the nearest accessible beach was Vung Tau, we headed there first thing in the morning. I had plans to go to the sand dunes in Mui Ne (holy shit sand dunes??) but because of circumstances that left me with very limited time to travel, that plan was scraped. Anyway it is always nice to see other places, and I had a good company so no complaints there! 

 

     It was so peaceful at the beach, and I really enjoyed lazing under the umbrella just chit chatting and doing nothing. Pure bliss.

     Here is us on our last night together in Vietnam (face blurred out because he is too handsome)! I might have gotten on his nerves and he might have gotten on mine, but I would never change anything from this trip because good company beats everything else.

DAY 6

     This was the day I left, and undeniably it was a sad occasion because I've had such an amazing week away from everything that's been bugging me in my life. Waking up in a different country really is an exhilarating feeling. So this is what Vietnam is to me in a single photo:

    Noisy, exciting, fun, amazing. I feel a little saudade thinking back about my time there, from the traffic to the food (except pho) and especially not being able to catch up while crossing the road, but hopefully more adventures are coming in the future. What matters is the memories made, right? 

    So thank you for putting up with my crazy antics, José! I hope you had a good time (if not great) with me tugging on your shirt as we played Crossy Road together. My next destination hopefully might be Portugal so get ready! 

I Don't Know About You But I Loved Being 22

Being 22 has been an interesting experience. The first half of it was nothing out of the ordinary but my second half was very conflicting. I experienced sadness and joy all in the span of less than a month (watching Inside Out as I was typing this It's a very good movie!). October was a bad month for me, but November redeemed itself, and then December rolled around and it was much better. 

I have challenged myself so much this year. I've done things I never thought of doing. I went to Penang with Natty and it was a great experience staying in a mixed dorm. I met a new friend who constantly challenges me to go outside of my comfort zone and be better in general, and I am thankful for that. Then I went alone to Ho Chi Minh City to meet my friend and it was amazing. It was amazing because after almost 5 years, I finally had freedom again, albeit only for a while. But it was still better than nothing, considering that my parents are crazy protective. Hello, I'm 23, I can handle myself very well, okay! 

Here's to a more exciting year ahead as a 23-year-old. This age will mark a milestone in my life because this is the year that I will graduate and exit into the real world as a full-fledged adult. I can't wait (omg no I really don't want to do this but I will have to eventually). I already have plans to go to Europe the moment I am done and when I have money of course, because I don't learn French for nothing. Shit. I still have about 10 months til I graduate and to figure my life out, so I will just let the chips fall where they may. But going overseas is definitely on my list, and I have to accomplish this. 

Goodbye 22, you've been a good learning and growing age. Hello 23, I hope you're more mature yet never stop laughing at fart jokes! 

2016 Resolutions

So I'm the sort of person who just lets whatever happens, happens. I don't like living with a set of rules because chances are I don't follow them and deadlines give me anxiety. So yeh. But resolutions are different. Because I can forget about them for a whole year before I review my year again and remember all of the resolutions that I've made that I fail/ manage to keep. So, here are my resolutions this year.

♦ study harder because I'm slipping off the Dean's list
Yes my results get progressively worse as the semesters go by but I hope I can still salvage whatever that's left of this semester. Only four more subjects, I can do this! (although advertising class is a fucking bitch because no one has any idea what the fuck is going on) (come on, she taught 17 chapters in two months, half-assedly). I need to graduate first class!

♦ take no shit from no one
This is what I really need to practice after preaching about it to everyone I know. After all that's happened with some of the people I thought I knew very well (but actually I didn't even scratch the surface), it's time to stand up for myself and stop allowing myself to be mistreated by anyone. Period. I deserve better than what they treat me as.

♦ stop slacking
Okay this is a huge one that I absolutely have to stick to. I really need to stop procrastinating. I don't have forever. 

♦ get fitter
I've been pretty consistent with working out, but I still have a long way to go. I need a fit body by the end of this year because every year I make the same resolution but every year it goes unfulfilled.

♦ keep my temper in check 
I need to stop being so emotional and lashing out on people I care about. I don't mean it, but my temper sometimes refuse to reason so I still end up getting sad/ angry and taking it out on people dear to me. It sucks, so this is an aspect of myself that I definitely have to change. I think this is also one of the reasons why some people walked out and never came back.

♦ have a more positive mindset 
I want to stop letting little trivial things from bothering me. Sometimes I get too agitated with unimportant matters and it's an unhealthy obsession. I should learn to take life with a grain of salt (or however the proverb goes). 

♦ learn to say no and do what I want
Well I'm 23 in 24 days so it's about time I exercise some freedom for myself. My first solo trip abroad will be in about 10 days to Saigon, and I honestly can't wait! I need more solo trips like this. Well it's not exactly a solo trip cause I'm meeting someone there but still. Now I know that my spirit animal is actually a free bird, and nothing can stop me. Not even you, mom! 

Here's to a better year ahead. 2015 ended pretty well, so 2016 better be good! 

New Year's Resolution 2015

Okay it's been a whole year since I recapped on my new year's resolution. This has become all too routine for me; a mundane task I once was so excited to do. Not anymore though. Over the years I have been so jaded with everything that's happening around me that I feel like I do things just to go through the motions. Here we go:

• study harder and maintain my Dean's list!!! 

So far so good. I've been on the Deans list for all my semesters in uni, albeit slipping a little from the GPA I used to get. But hey in my defense it gets progressively harder therefore making keeping up so much harder as well. Let's see how I will do for my 5th semester.

• do my squats

I'm really proud of myself because I've actually been working out/ exercising since September. I hit the gym for two solid months before workload got the best of me and my gym buddy and then the weather too. So now I mostly do running. And I unlocked an achievement I never thought was possible in my lifetime - running 5k in less than an hour. Thank you ZombiesRun!

• be a better driver 

Well I drive significantly better compared with when I first started, although according to a specific person that I chauffeured for 3 days I drive like I'm trying to commit a homicide so there you go. Driving manual is not a joke because I don't have the best hand-leg coordination, so this is an area that I can work on. Oh yeah I have horrible distance perception too. 

• blog more 

Yep. I wanted to make blogging a monthly affair but I forget every time. But when I do remember to do so, I do it. I wanted to have at least 12 blog posts a year but it didn't happen. Oh well, we still have next year (which is literally less than one hour from now).

• better a better human in general

I can't really say that I have been a better person, but I can say that I've definitely changed. I handle situations with a slightly more mature mindset these days. I still get angry and have my anger and emotional bursts, but they're much better now although I just got off the phone screaming to my mother about something really frustrating. Sorry. 

And there you have it. My annual resolutions list. I'll have to come up with a new list tomorrow, just like I did all these years when I started this tradition in '09 (or was it '10?).

Goodbye 2015. You've been an exciting ride. You gave me sadness, but also happiness to counteract with the sadness. Some people left, but some came, not to replace those who left but to bring joy and happiness and excitement. To a better year ahead. 2016, bring it on!

Stellar GPA? So What?

This post is dedicated to everyone who can't accept failures who's fretting about being dethroned from your 3.9 GPA - so what? It's not the end of the world. So what if your GPA this time is lower than what you expected? In fact, you were fine with your lower-than-3.9 GPA previously so why must going back to the status quo be such a huge earth-shattering devastation? 

I remember being very shocked and sad at the fact that my GPA dropped so much from my near-perfection GPA of 3.91. But for the coming semesters, I performed better and I used my fall as a yardstick to gauge how much I've improved since then. And it made me feel so much better because I learnt that life isn't gonna be a smooth string of 3.9s. Well, as long as I'm still doing relatively well for my studies, the numbers don't matter. A 3.67 GPA can still guarantee all A's, albeit them being A-'s. THEY'RE STILL A'S. MY GPA fell so much and I didn't die (although I wanted to when I first got my results) so this too, shall pass. Your good semesters will pass, and so will your bad semesters. 

All that matters is that you've done your best. That's what I keep telling myself - I've done my best.

New Year's Resolution 2014

I've been doing this resolution thing for so long it's not right if I don't keep up with this tradition. To recap; I don't really remember much about this year. It's like it just whooshed past me and I'm 21 it's supposed to be exciting I should be clubbing and doing exciting things but here I am, wasting another year. I didn't get a key pendant for my birthday. Literally nothing exciting happened. I didn't get smashed. I didn't get a cake (I think? I forgot). Well... Let's see how many things I can cross off my list.

• get a gpa of 3.7 and above for all my semesters
Yes. My first semester was really impressive but come second semester, it went downhill. I can predict my future semesters will be worse. It's not that I didn't study, but when you have stingy ass lecturers that give you shitty marks for assignment, no amount of Our Fathers and Hail Mary's can save your burnt ass. So I guess I can cross this off my list.

• exercise
If you challenge me to a 100m sprint right now, I'll die on the 10m mark. I bought a school gym membership back in March and I actually exercised 3 times a week (to my disbelief) but not anymore. I tried walking home a few weeks ago and while I made it home, my body was ready to die. I even tried squats for a nice firm booty but it didn't happen.

• get another piercing
Nope. No new piercings, despite how much I really want one.

• learn to forgive and forget
Ah this. I'm more forgiving now, but don't trust me not to talk shit about you. Sometimes I try to forget but my brain refuses to delete any unwanted files. However when I really want to remember something, my brain decides to forget. But I realised something - we can never remember what we have forgotten.

• spend more time with my grandparents
Apart from school keeping me busy, when I was back I did spend time with them. I drove them to Ipoh and that remained to be my biggest achievement of 2014. My grandparents are the only people willing to entrust their life to me to drive them anywhere. Wow. Even my own mother doesn't give me that kinda trust level. And my manual driving skills have definitely improved a lot. I think I can drive by myself on the road now but I should probably come with a warning.

Goodbye 2014. You were really forgettable.

The Final Goodbye

          There have been too many lives lost this year, be it from both plane incidents, the Palestine-Israel conflict, or death of loved ones. Another one that bites the dust is a girl I knew from Georgia, Taylor. I knew her through Kiel, where they were family friends. I still remember the first time I met everyone from both sides of the family. It was Easter Sunday, and he took me to her house which was just two neighbourhoods away from my house. When she first saw me, she was surprised. She said something along the lines of "I didn't expect you to be Asian cos Chantelle was a black name". It was pretty awkward but she was cool, being a typical teenager. She has twin siblings, a girl and a boy, named Gabrielle and Gabriel. Her mother was Tina, and she was a really nice lady, always inviting me along to their family outings. Although we did not really talk much, my fondest memory of her was me braiding her short hair. 

          From what I saw on Facebook, she passed away on June 11th in a fatal car accident where a drunk driver hit the car she was in and knocked her out on the street, but I only heard about her death today. I do not dare to imagine how her family is coping with her loss. How are her siblings now? This must be a big blow to Kiel because he treated her like his own sister, and in addition to this death he lost his mother in February to lung cancer.

          Death is imminent to everyone, but it came too soon for her. Taylor died because of someone else's fault and although drunk driving is really common in the States, it seems like people never learn from their mistakes. She was only 18, going on to 19 in September. She's only lived a small fraction of life compared with those who will be lucky enough to live to see the day humans conquer Mars. She's of my sister's age and her future was robbed from her by something that could have easily been prevented has the driver decided not to drive under the influence of alcohol.

Rest in peace, Taylor.

The Malaysian West Virginia

     For my political science assignment,  we have to find a political event and then describe it. My team chose a political event somewhere out in the woop woop, in the outskirts of Kuching and deep inside a dark road. There was not a single street lamp in sight -  I kid you not.

     On the way there, my sceneries to my left and right were both the most fluorescent greenest grass you will ever see in your life. The houses were far apart and it's just greens. It reminded me so much of my stay in West Virginia and honestly, for a moment there I convinced myself I was.

     When we got there, it was a true village. It gave me a similar feeling to my hometown in the rubber estates. Small kids were playing in the small little river accompanied by their parents and oh did I mention the water was UNPOLLUTED AND CLEAR and right at that moment I wanted to jump in. When the time had come, the village head literally screamed into the microphone on the audio system to call out all the villagers. Everyone exited their house in their best traditional costume - the Bidayuh traditional wear.

     One of my observations was that some of people there are so old like omg you must be at least 90 years old! And another observation would be when the village head spoke to us in ENGLISH!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DIDN'T KNOW OLD  PEOPLE IN REMOTE VILLAGES SPOKE ENGLISH!
Shame on you youngsters in universities that cannot even understand simple English.

Can Everyone Just SHUT THE FECK UP

I know the deadline for the offer from UniMas is approaching but for god's sake you don't have to remind me every half a fraction of a second about it!!! Even Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to stand all of y'alls whinyness if he was still alive. Seriously. Give me some TIME okay I don't need your automated biological alarm clock that's programmed to annoy me every damn minute. I am a mature young adult that is just trying to sort her shitty life out so please cut me some slack. Right now what I need is guidance, not pressure. 
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you? 

I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS? 

Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.

Now What ?

STPM is long gone, and I have finally gotten my offer at UniMAS. It's exactly what I wanted; communications (it better be MASS communication, if the said "communication" is speech communication I will be so pissed).

So, what's wrong darling? EVERYTHING. 

Firstly, if I have to board a flight to SARAWAK to do my degree then I might as well fly to AUSTRALIA instead. Specifically Melbourne because it's fucking Melbourne. 

Secondly, I will be in Sarawak whereas my love will be in Sabah. To be precise, we will be 804++ kilometres away. Such a twist of fate. Thanks a lot, Cupid.

Thirdly, I don't wanna go to Sarawaaaak. 

Fourthly, noooottt Sarawaaakkkk pleeeaasseeee

I seriously don't know what to do. I know you may be cursing me under your breath "you stupid bitch just take the goddamn offer and shove it up your ass" but things just aren't as simple. There is so much to take into consideration of, like transport and food and shelter like I don't wanna live in a longhouse and slaughter chicken everytime I crave for some KFC. I can live in US but that doesn't translate that I will survive Sarawak too.

MY grandparents are a big concern because they're old and ageing  I don't want them to die while I suffer in Sarawak doing a speech therapy degree that I was duped into doing. Oh gosh all these bad thoughts just keep spewing in. And I would much prefer KL because all my friends are there and also all the clubs and piercing shops and my aunt's place which I can crash in every weekend. 

Maybe I will accept this offer, but then again maybe not. I don't know what to do, I am in a mess right now. Can someone come rescue this Damsel in Distress?

My Anxieties Is Killing Me (Pre-STPM results)

Omg so tomorrow is THE day ! THE day that I've been waiting for all my life, the day I've been preparing since kindergarten for. Right now I am having a lot of different emotions all jumbled up together, pretty similar like a bowl of rojak, but stale rojak. And I don't even like rojak !
Let's break this down.

Nervous : Holy shit I've been nervous all week, wait, it dates back to prehistoric era, not even last week. Its the feeling where you get called up on stage to recite a story you were supposed to memorise over the weekend but your dumb ass brain just decides to forget everything when you have the mic over your sahara desert mouth. Yeh unfortunately it happened to me when I was 7 years old.. and everyone legit laughed at me. And with that nervousness you get a weird sensation that you have to expel faeces from your rectum. It's just like fly eggs in your stomach, instead of the usual butterflies.

Panicky : Omg what if I don't get good enough pointer to get into a university, then I will have to work at the hotel for life and significantly reduce 69% of my IQ by the time I turn 21. What if I don't get 2.00 pointer and everybody gets. What if I can't accept the truth that I did badly and commit suicide?  After all this is my second chance at redemption, also my final chance at education. If so, I have to get started on my will.

Regret : I am overwhelmed with regret for not studying hard enough when I had the chance. I regret not making full use of my potential and I fucking regret procrastinating so much. And I hate my brain. And now I'm just thinking of all the possibilities of me getting good results IF I had studied.

Guilt : I am feeling guilty to have wasted my parents effort to give me a better education but I am just screwing everything up. And now I'm regretting for something I don't even know yet, I'm hoping my results aren't that bad because I'm only expecting a 2.00, nothing more. But if in any cause I miraculously get a 2.0 ++ then I will accept it even better. I have a lot in my mind right now, like, what if I don't live up to people's expectations and I end up disappointing everybody, including my grandparents who so want to see me as a university graduate. And they don't have much time left. Ahh shit.

Basically all that's going through my mind is me hoping for the best but expecting the worse. What if this is the price I pay for slacking off in school? This indeed is a heavy price then. I'mm just so fucking nervous, I don't know what to expect. I'm so nervous I'm so nervous I'm so nervous oh shit oh shit oh shit God have mercy.

Well I guess it's too late to turn back now, but one thing is sure ; if I were to know that I would end up regretting everything, I would still have down the same thing. This is a road I chose for my own, and I have to bear the consequences. Hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Or dead. That's much worse, no ?


CONCLUSION : I AM SO FUCKING SCARED/ NERVOUS/ ANXIOUS/ PANICKY FOR MY DOOMSDAY TOMORROW. 
 AND I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH TODAY! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

goodbye, kuantan

i'm currently listening to 'enchanted' by taylor swift and towards the end, the lyrics goes like this : 

please dont be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you...

how much things will change after 6 months? will i be a completely different person when i come back, will i do things i never thot i would, like making a snow angel or going for prom ?

today will be my last day at home in front of my computer desk writing this before i resume the same activity six months later. although i have been wanting this to happen since i was 13, somehow i still am not ready for this life-changing experience. the thot of leaving the nest i've been so comfortably settled in is alien to me. but it's gotta happen someday, raiite ?

i hope you're still the same person after six months. i hope nothing changes our relationship, no matter how far we are from each other. but if the opposite happens, well..

i was enchanted to meet you.

:}