Bittersweet Memories

If there is one single thing I cannot understand from having been alive for 23 years, it is the nature of human relationships. Sometimes strangers become friends or lovers, that's good but when friends and lovers become strangers, it hurts me. Every single friend I've ever had that turned into strangers, I grieved for them all. Every single lover that decided I was not what they loved, I grieved too. To me, once you've entered my life, you are a part of me. No matter how far away you've walked out of my life. No matter how long ago you left. You mattered. And it's always sad for me to lose people that have entered into my life because I form attachments with them. 

And when someone leaves, I always beat myself up. Was I not good enough for them? What did I do wrong? Why didn't they give me a chance to redeem myself? I spiral into a circle of heartbreak and self loathe. Yeah, it breaks my heart to be treated like a doormat; where people can walk in and out as they wish. It affects me deeply to know that they were not the person I once used to know. And it sucks. It sucks even more to remember the good old days we used to spend together, when it was all nothing but sunshine and butterflies. 

And the worst part is a change of heart is irreversible. The person who once looked at you like the universe resided in your eyes does not even bother to glance at you anymore. The person who was once addicted to your angelic voice does not even bother to call you anymore. The person who was once head over heels in love with you does not even feel the same anymore.

The fact of the matter is, you did not change. They did. 

Is this what being an adult really is like? Full of heartbreaks and sadness? If so, I don't wanna be an adult anymore.

First Time in VIETNAM!

     Okay so this post is way overdue, 1 month and two days to be exact so do you see where I'm coming from? I have very chronic procrastination issues and it's very hard for me to get going but once I start off, I am fine. But to get started is the hardest part... help me.

     So I went to Ho Chi Minh City on the 11/1 - 16/1. This trip is a very important milestone in my life because this was my first solo overseas trip that my parents ever allowed me to do so I was very excited !!! It's not exactly solo because I traveled with a buddy there but still! Why HCMC ? Because my dad ruled out Cambodia as a poor 4th world country with nothing to offer and also because landmines (what??? dad's logic). And also because it was pretty cheap to fly there from KL as well, my return flight tickets were only RM315. 

DAY 1

     My flight took off at about 12pm local time, and I arrived at Tan Son Nhat Airport at about 3. So from there I took bus no. 152 to Ben Thanh Market, where Pham Ngu Lao was. I have no idea what to expect; I didn't know my stop and I didn't really know how to get there from the stop either but fortunately, there was a fellow Malaysian with me who was heading to the same place so at least we were somewhat fucked together. And then we met a Vietnamese tour guide who was more than willing to help us with directions; and that was my first of the many friendly encounters with the locals.

     I managed to find the hostel I was staying at, it was hidden inside a restaurant called Punjabi. I got there and waited for my travel buddy who was supposed to arrive at about the same time as me to check in, because he made the booking and it was under his name. Tick tock. 5 minutes passed. 10. 20. 30. 45. Finally the very nice lady allowed me to check in under his name probably because she was sick of looking at my face because I've been sitting in front of her for almost an hour. About an hour later after the hour, I FINALLY heard from him. So many things were running through my mind, like did he step on a landmine and die? Did the bus run over a landmine and explode? Did the landmine die ??? Okay the last one doesn't make sense but still. Well, it turned out that he had food poisoning. Food poisoning is like the worst way to die because you simultaneously shit and vomit out of both holes at the same time, so I completely understood his plight. 

     So, since I didn't want to get food poisoning on my first day here either, I chose to eat pasta. Yes. Pasta in Vietnam. Don't question it please.

     Did I mention that I survived crossing the roads here? The traffic here is so insane, my first thought when I had to cross the road for the first time was "fuck this fuck that fuckity fuck me". Apparently you don't wait for the road to clear up because it never will, so what you do is just go ahead and cross and the traffic will flow around you, just as long as you don't chicken out. I tested it and it was like magic - the traffic just goes around you so if you want to commit suicide here it's gonna be really tough. 

DAY 2

     So I went out for some Vietnamese food in the morning (finally!) and it was really good, no lie. My love for cha gio will never die.

     And then I walked into this little cafe and I had my first taste of cute Vietnamese boys. I forgot the name of the cafe cause I was obviously distracted by the waiters. Oh wait... I just noticed that the cafe name is right there in the picture. 

 

     So, since I didn't feel like getting mugged in the streets, I went back for a nap and SURPRISE I wasn't a solo traveller anymore! My travel buddy finally showed up (about time he did) and I was so happy/ relieved because a part of me was 100% convinced that I was going to be left here alone. 

     I was equally as surprised to see that coke in a glass bottle still exists??? I remember drinking these kinda coke back in my mom's hometown in the rubber estate, Bahau when I was 5. And at that moment I was so tempted to smuggle one home for old time's sake.

DAY 3

     Day 3 was Chinatown Day and I had a culture shock in the bus on the way there. If I've ever drove you around, you'd know that I absolutely cannot lay my hands off the honk and based on the incessant honking 24/7, I thought I'd feel right at home. Wrong. I swear the bus driver honks at anything, everything, and NOTHING. The road was straight with nothing in front of you, WHY ARE YOU HONKING??? 

Obviously we got lost because I wanted to go to Chinatown but I have absolutely no sense of direction. Basically it was just a huge market everywhere.

     Well to be honest it was my fault because I dragged us there, so after wandering aimlessly forever his rationale was to have coffee and we did! One thing I noticed with the drinks served there is that it is usually accompanied with a glass of tea. Very fragrant tea, tasted like Jasmine but not exactly that. So in that little coffee shop there are tiny stools for you to sit on that allows you to watch people, and they have tiny coffee tables as well and it was like a little coffee place made for adults. 

     So instead of taking the bus back we walked back because I said the words "If you can do it I can do it" or something along those lines. I said it because he had a huge hole in his knee from a fall and he wanted to walk, so I figured since I did not have a hole in my knee I should be fine walking back. Trust me when I say the hole is huge. Plus, it didn't seem too far from the bus journey there so why not? 

     Not even halfway into the journey I realised what a grave mistake I have made. He kept marching on non stop while I was getting slower by the pace, heavier by the steps. The weather didn't help either cause I'm pretty sure it could have well been 40 deg Celcius at that time because I honestly felt like my body cells were slowly shutting down. Not even halfway into the journey and I've already started asking "are we there yet?". Not even halfway into the journey and I've already wanted to just sleep on the streets for the night. 

     FINALLY we made it back and I just collapsed on the bed. It wasn't until later that we went out for food, and naturally I inclined towards a bowl of pho and it was the only bowl of pho that has ever made me wish for death. Here is the pho in question. 

     The moment I ate it, I felt that something was wrong. No, nothing is wrong with the food because it was piping hot. Well, even before I ate it I felt a little unwell, so I attributed it to being unwell. WRONG AGAIN. I ate about what? 7 spoonfuls? before I decided to waste the whole bowl. On the way back I felt like my stomach was revolting against me. A World War 3 erupted in my digestive tract and food was coming out from everywhere. Remember that R rated description I gave you about food poisoning above? It happened to me. FIVE times. And he had to clean my vomit so José, I am really sorry about that. 

DAY 4

    The next morning I was so much better, but still unwell so we had French food! Holy smokes that baguette was so good I have no words. Tres delicieux! Je veux manger la baguette encore.

     Our next destination was the art museum. The walk there was much better, it was almost nothing compared to the walk the day before. 

    There's nothing much to shout about about this museum, but maybe that's because I don't know how to appreciate art. Oh well.

     By the way I had another culture shock when I went into McDonalds and I saw pork being sold??? Okay I might have overexaggerated a little bit but it was definitely unusual for me to see pork on the menu because, you know, pork and sex is haram in Malaysia. I didn't get the pork burger either because, you know, pork and sex is WHO AM I KIDDING I DON'T EVEN EAT KETCHUP OR MAYONNAISE. 

     This particular McD was already playing Chinese New Year songs when I stepped in, and it was the weirdest thing ever because those songs are Mandarin New Year songs I used to listen to, sung in Vietnamese. I think my brain broke trying to make sense of the songs, and the only way I could describe this weird sensation is Nestum Squid.

     It gets dark by 6pm there, and by dark I mean pitch black and by 6pm I really mean 6pm. Pitch black at 6pm. We headed to the Saigon Central Post Office because I was really interested in this other architecture Gustave Eiffel designed, and I vastly underestimated the distance. The map said 2km, but in actuality it was so much more than 2km. I know this for a fact because my travel buddy complained that it was really far. And you know this for a fact too, because he can really walk (ahem Chinatown, anyone?). 

DAY 5

     Day 5 was beach day! Since the nearest accessible beach was Vung Tau, we headed there first thing in the morning. I had plans to go to the sand dunes in Mui Ne (holy shit sand dunes??) but because of circumstances that left me with very limited time to travel, that plan was scraped. Anyway it is always nice to see other places, and I had a good company so no complaints there! 

 

     It was so peaceful at the beach, and I really enjoyed lazing under the umbrella just chit chatting and doing nothing. Pure bliss.

     Here is us on our last night together in Vietnam (face blurred out because he is too handsome)! I might have gotten on his nerves and he might have gotten on mine, but I would never change anything from this trip because good company beats everything else.

DAY 6

     This was the day I left, and undeniably it was a sad occasion because I've had such an amazing week away from everything that's been bugging me in my life. Waking up in a different country really is an exhilarating feeling. So this is what Vietnam is to me in a single photo:

    Noisy, exciting, fun, amazing. I feel a little saudade thinking back about my time there, from the traffic to the food (except pho) and especially not being able to catch up while crossing the road, but hopefully more adventures are coming in the future. What matters is the memories made, right? 

    So thank you for putting up with my crazy antics, José! I hope you had a good time (if not great) with me tugging on your shirt as we played Crossy Road together. My next destination hopefully might be Portugal so get ready! 

I Don't Know About You But I Loved Being 22

Being 22 has been an interesting experience. The first half of it was nothing out of the ordinary but my second half was very conflicting. I experienced sadness and joy all in the span of less than a month (watching Inside Out as I was typing this It's a very good movie!). October was a bad month for me, but November redeemed itself, and then December rolled around and it was much better. 

I have challenged myself so much this year. I've done things I never thought of doing. I went to Penang with Natty and it was a great experience staying in a mixed dorm. I met a new friend who constantly challenges me to go outside of my comfort zone and be better in general, and I am thankful for that. Then I went alone to Ho Chi Minh City to meet my friend and it was amazing. It was amazing because after almost 5 years, I finally had freedom again, albeit only for a while. But it was still better than nothing, considering that my parents are crazy protective. Hello, I'm 23, I can handle myself very well, okay! 

Here's to a more exciting year ahead as a 23-year-old. This age will mark a milestone in my life because this is the year that I will graduate and exit into the real world as a full-fledged adult. I can't wait (omg no I really don't want to do this but I will have to eventually). I already have plans to go to Europe the moment I am done and when I have money of course, because I don't learn French for nothing. Shit. I still have about 10 months til I graduate and to figure my life out, so I will just let the chips fall where they may. But going overseas is definitely on my list, and I have to accomplish this. 

Goodbye 22, you've been a good learning and growing age. Hello 23, I hope you're more mature yet never stop laughing at fart jokes! 

Stellar GPA? So What?

This post is dedicated to everyone who can't accept failures who's fretting about being dethroned from your 3.9 GPA - so what? It's not the end of the world. So what if your GPA this time is lower than what you expected? In fact, you were fine with your lower-than-3.9 GPA previously so why must going back to the status quo be such a huge earth-shattering devastation? 

I remember being very shocked and sad at the fact that my GPA dropped so much from my near-perfection GPA of 3.91. But for the coming semesters, I performed better and I used my fall as a yardstick to gauge how much I've improved since then. And it made me feel so much better because I learnt that life isn't gonna be a smooth string of 3.9s. Well, as long as I'm still doing relatively well for my studies, the numbers don't matter. A 3.67 GPA can still guarantee all A's, albeit them being A-'s. THEY'RE STILL A'S. MY GPA fell so much and I didn't die (although I wanted to when I first got my results) so this too, shall pass. Your good semesters will pass, and so will your bad semesters. 

All that matters is that you've done your best. That's what I keep telling myself - I've done my best.

Now What ?

STPM is long gone, and I have finally gotten my offer at UniMAS. It's exactly what I wanted; communications (it better be MASS communication, if the said "communication" is speech communication I will be so pissed).

So, what's wrong darling? EVERYTHING. 

Firstly, if I have to board a flight to SARAWAK to do my degree then I might as well fly to AUSTRALIA instead. Specifically Melbourne because it's fucking Melbourne. 

Secondly, I will be in Sarawak whereas my love will be in Sabah. To be precise, we will be 804++ kilometres away. Such a twist of fate. Thanks a lot, Cupid.

Thirdly, I don't wanna go to Sarawaaaak. 

Fourthly, noooottt Sarawaaakkkk pleeeaasseeee

I seriously don't know what to do. I know you may be cursing me under your breath "you stupid bitch just take the goddamn offer and shove it up your ass" but things just aren't as simple. There is so much to take into consideration of, like transport and food and shelter like I don't wanna live in a longhouse and slaughter chicken everytime I crave for some KFC. I can live in US but that doesn't translate that I will survive Sarawak too.

MY grandparents are a big concern because they're old and ageing  I don't want them to die while I suffer in Sarawak doing a speech therapy degree that I was duped into doing. Oh gosh all these bad thoughts just keep spewing in. And I would much prefer KL because all my friends are there and also all the clubs and piercing shops and my aunt's place which I can crash in every weekend. 

Maybe I will accept this offer, but then again maybe not. I don't know what to do, I am in a mess right now. Can someone come rescue this Damsel in Distress?

FOR MONEY.

So it's going to be 2 months since I started work... well I'm going to enter my third month soon so let me recount to you some of the horrifying things I have encountered so far. 
      
   There's this old man who requested for a day use room, only to come out 2 hours later. You can't deny that he has a great libido! And the woman was much younger than him. But who am I to judge because he is like the God of Prosperity, he tipped me 1O bucks the other day! (Presumably to shut me up about his rendezvous) I don't give a fuck about who he fucks anyway. Damn he fucks  really fast though, Usain Bolt will lose to him.
     
   And then this one time this arrogant bastard told me he was gonna check out late so I was lenient and I agreed to it but after the said time he didn't come out yet so the manager went up to his room and opened his door. Well she was angry at that time because this asshole was disturbing her room sales plus the wrath of a woman is anything but lovely and graceful and *insert nice adjectives here* so you can't really blame her. As if he is not irritating enough to everyone in the hotel, he brought the drama downstairs to the counter and started yelling at me for allowing people to open his door. The fuck? Seriously ? And then the tragedy ended up with the cops showing up at the hotel and I was so shaken up by the decibels of his voice.
     
    Not to forget, today these two chinese guys came up to me and requested for a room with double bed. so I gave them the appropriate room, got everything settled and sent them upstairs. 2 minutes later they came down and asked why is there only one bed. He actually wanted two beds, but he mentioned DOUBLE bed, not TWIN bed. I was also confused as to why would two normal looking non-gay men would want a bed to sleep in. He wasn't angry though, and I felt myself going red. I was embarrassed at first, until he said to my coworker "we are not mountain" (referring to Brokeback Mountain) with the most poker face. I started laughing so hard I crouched down not to embarrass myself further by laughing at my own mistake.
  By the way I'm supposed to be getting my salary today... but IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.