Almost Home.

Brace yourself - for I am going to write another sappy blog post. 

There are so many things that are going wrong in my life right now. Remember Murphy's Law? Whatever that can go wrong will go wrong. Or something like that, I can't really remember. Let's start with today, and trace back time.

So I was at Jong Crocodile Farm this afternoon with 4 of my male housemates, and we had a good time because there was a swing and who could resist swinging on swings?? Not me so I got on the swing, after tossing my bag aside. Then I went on happily with the rest of my trip and then it hit me - MY BAG IS MISSING. I retraced my steps but unfortunately it has obviously been taken by someone who had no intention of returning it. In the bag were my keys, a bottle of water, and my wallet. There was about RM10+ inside, SGD2, and USD12. I was very heartbroken to have lost my wallet not because of the money (since I valued my loss at RM10+ anyway) but because of the things inside my wallet. My ID could be renewed, and that includes my actual ID, uni ID, and driver's license and bank cards, but along with these I also had a polaroid picture of myself, and a business card of a very important person to me :( so basically I not only lost money (I'm already poor as fuck) but I also lost sentimental items as well and that makes me really sad. The reason why I never changed my USD either was because it held sentimental value for me - it was given to me by the same person, which was why, at this moment, valued at RM49.13 - I never bothered to exchange it because it is worth more than RM49.13 to me. On top of that, I got scolded by 5 different people for being so careless BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT. I already feel bad enough as it is. 

Okay, another thing that is going wrong is my final year thesis. I did really badly, and completely screwed up my chances of getting A so there's that. My dataset was a little wonky and so is my whole thesis. That's what I get for doing last minute work :( but in my defense, I literally have no time for anything because of this campaign that I had to conduct that carries the same weightage as the thesis, but so much more demanding, so ultimately, it was a disaster. I hated the campaign subject, not because we had to organize 3 events but because I had to work with people who dislike me and vice versa. So yeah, I'm heartbroken about that as well.

Oh my god. I could go on and on but I don't want to, since all these will be over in 2 days anyway. I've been doing this for 3 years, it's time for a new change. To be honest, I'm actually so done with uni and I can't wait to get out. They say that uni is one of the best times of your life - I concur halfheartedly. People here are using you to their advantage, lecturers are out to kill you with workload, and life is depressing when you chase after straight A's. I'm proud to say I am a straight A student, but it costed me a lot of fun and happiness that I could have gotten instead. 

Again, I feel bittersweet - somewhat relieved, somewhat too comfortable to change. 

But I think I'm ready. 

UGGGHHHHHH

So I live with 4 male housemates and 3 other female housemates. I get along well with everyone except two of the dick owners out of the four. This is because they own only one thing - a dick. Not even a brain. Not even a PEA-SIZED brain. If I could crack open their skulls, it would be empty. My anger is completely justified, though. 

One of this dude, let's call him Chew because that's actually his real name, is a fucking brainless misogynistic pig. His ideal woman is a subservient slave that does nothing but cook, clean, and give sex. However, what's funny is that his girlfriend is an irony. His girlfriend controls his every movement so he can't get tagged with us housemates on FB or she will lose her shit and personally fly here to kick him in his balls.

This second idiot, let's call him Vincent cause that's what he calls himself, is also of the same species as Chew. I swear these two pigs were put on earth in the form of humans to test my patience. Anyway, this Vincent is a grade A asshole. He's not an asshole to me, but to another girl that can't keep her mouth shut. So in a way it's kinda justified but his assholery trumps over her blabbery and again let me reiterate myself he's a fucking idiot so he is still at fault here. 

The other day during dinner we came to the subject of girlfriends/boyfriends. So someone said something along the lines of "paying for meals with your bf/gf" and without missing a beat Vincent jumped on the topic full-force and stated "I will never pay for my girlfriend's food using my parents' hard earned money!!!"
Okay calm your tits.
Firstly, you are clearly not fit to get into a relationship. How is it that you have had 3 girlfriends in the past is beyond me. Why would any girl even find you remotely attractive at half the shit you say? And not to mention your selfishness. I can pay for both our meals because I work and save. 
Secondly, you're a fucking idiot. 

And so this Chew asked me to say something nice about potty mouth girl to Vincent to change his mind that she is actually suitable for him (um wtf?) and the first thing that popped out of his mouth is telling me to say that potty mouth is a good cook. This really pisses me off because this fucking idiot obviously see women as nothing more than a stay at home cooking machine. I will never forget that one time he told me I should cook dinner for everyone just because I'm a woman and I should be doing the cooking. 

Justice porn - I obviously gave a huge piece of my mind to this fucktard Chew (I literally chew-ed him out) and as usual, his only comeback is "chill la joking only". Motherfucker, degrading women is not something you joke at!!!! Crawl back into your mother's womb and STAY THERE! 

FUCK I swear people here sre so fucking stupid and ignorant sometimes. 

Glossophobia

Dear kids, 

Today you will learn a new term. A term that relates to almost 75% of Americans. And we're not talking about the common Americans. We're talking about Americans who would choose death over speaking in public. In ancient Greece, 

glosso = tongue
phobia = fear

therefore it literally translates to "fear of the tongue". Also more commonly known as "fear of public speaking". And today I was part of the 75%. A little background: I am taking Public Speaking this semester and it was not by choice but by force because every single person from my course needs to take it to graduate. So, we are taught by this pro-government lecturer who apparently has appeared LIVE on TV over a million times (his words not mine) (ok maybe not a million but close enough) who has no fear and is part of the 25%. So, the first few classes went good because its predictable and whatnot. However, the first thing he said when he walked into class this morning was about how he would pick 5 students at random to assess and this accounts for 10 marks. Ok, I thought to myself, 5 people out of 104 isn't so bad. I cant be that lucky. Heh. That's like a 4.8% chance to get picked. Such slim chance. Nah it won't be me.
The first person who got called was a girl and she got up, liked it or not she was going first or risk losing her 10 marks. She was definitely caught unprepared and was very very very nervous and she didn't know what to say so she apologised and went off. 
The second person was another girl who seemed to have accepted her fate so she fared fairly better. At least she had a momentum and could still crap off on top of her head what she remembered about the lecture earlier (we were supposed to talk about what we've learnt). 
And then he called out number "one one". It's eleven. The 11th number on the name list is........ MY fucking name. Well now I know where I rank alphabetically.
Holy fuck. I was caught unprepared because what the fuck I wasn't expecting that. I had no time to memorise anything and if you know me I have literally no memory so like it or not I walked up to the front. All the while my thought process was "fuck this fuck that fuckity fuck why me god". I was knee deep in my lecturer's shit. And so with trembling hands I grabbed the microphone and started talking. 

Okay let me begin my speech today by telling you a story. When I was 8 years old, I had to go on stage to present a little essay my English teacher wrote me. I had the weekend to memorize it before I had to go up on stage during the assembly on Monday. But when it was my turn, I froze. I couldn't remember much because I was so nervous and the only thing I remembered about the essay was how a man was selling ice-cream by the street. I was so scared so I just mumbled something and then I was silent for a long time until my teacher told me to get off the stage. I was very embarrassed. And that is the story of how I had stage fright for the first time.

Or something along the line. I couldn't remember. My story was relevant to my speech. However, throughout my whole speech, I was still very visibly nervous. I did not manage to apply a single effective public speaking technique he's been telling me the past week. Towards the end I bullshitted something along the line of "fake it until you make it" and that's really ironic because no matter how much I was faking it, I still didn't make it. 
And do you wanna know something even more ironic? 
All of us did the same speech of "How To Overcome Stage Fright".
Bet you didn't expect that plot twist, did you?

Well right after my speech something unexpected happened. He said I had a very strong starting, and that the way I started my story was well done, and it was a good example. I was shocked. WHY DID I GET PRAISED??? I didn't know that the torment my primary English teacher put me through at 8 was finally worth it. Heck I didn't even know that my most embarrassing two hours on stage when I was a mini me would pay off. So, thank you, mean bitch, for thoroughly embarrassing me when I was so young. You knew I couldn't do it, that's why you picked on me. And that's not the worst part. The worst part was that even my sister laughed at me when we got home and told everyone. But you don't need to know that.

Overall it was a good but horrifying experience. I can finally check off "impromptu public speaking" off my bucket list (not that it was even on my list anyway), and I belong in the 25% now. Today I truly found out I have the talent of bullshitting on-the-spot. I'd better spend more time honing this new found skill, in case it would come in handy someday.

Immature Old Bitch

I just realised that this uni education system has me chasing after good grades. I am not such a person. Well not since I was 9 when my studies took a huge dip and I transferred from the first class to the second class and subsequently struggled to pick up the grades I once had. Anyway, since uni is relatively easy for me, I find it difficult not to get obsessed with scoring perfect GPA. And this has, in turn, transformed me into an ass kisser. If you know me you will know that there is no way in hell I would kiss anyone's ass. 

Okay story time. The communications studies department in my uni is renowned for insane lecturers. Even the usage of the word "insane" is an understatement because if you are actually subjected under any of them's teaching you would know that there's more to them than just projected mental illness. However, this particular religion fanatic lecturer takes the cake. There are rumors (well more like truths) going around the faculty that she uses tears as threat. She will literally cry if you do not obey her instructions. What the fuck woman? Are you even a fucking LECTURER because that shit is unprofessional as fuck. Anddd since she is a communications lecturer I have to put up with her for FOUR consecutive semesters. Thats TWO whole years right there out of my THREE years. FUCK. But what she did that really got to me was how we are all required to buy her RM95 book. But there's a catch. Because she's fucking insane, remember? No good ever comes from a crazy bitch.The first catch is that she only ordered 80 books for the 120 students in our class. The second catch - EVERYONE is required to have the book. Third catch - OR ELSE all you bookless people sit in a corner while she teaches those with books. Fourth catch - NO PHOTOCOPIES. 

Well, she is on a whole new level of crazy. FUCKING CATSHIT CRAZY BITCH OF A WOMAN. And this is just one little part of her personality you're seeing, its not even the full picture yet. This is why I kiss her ass whenever possible. Because you absolutely cannot reason with crazy people.

May the good lord have mercy on my soul. 

Can Everyone Just SHUT THE FECK UP

I know the deadline for the offer from UniMas is approaching but for god's sake you don't have to remind me every half a fraction of a second about it!!! Even Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to stand all of y'alls whinyness if he was still alive. Seriously. Give me some TIME okay I don't need your automated biological alarm clock that's programmed to annoy me every damn minute. I am a mature young adult that is just trying to sort her shitty life out so please cut me some slack. Right now what I need is guidance, not pressure. 
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you? 

I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS? 

Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.

Yes I Am An Ingrate Child

Fuck my life, I just wanna cry right now. I have finally come to the realization that tertiary education is only for the rich. Poor people don't stand a chance to study if they ain't got the money. And I happen to belong to the latter category...

I honestly frankly seriously DO NOT wanna go to UniMAS. I am an ambitious person but obviously I don't live up to my own self-expectation... I wanna study abroad. So badly. I wanna go places that my friends boast about. I wanna escape from this country that has nothing to offer. I wanna just... break free. I wish I was born in a silver spoon in my mouth because no matter how well I did in my exams etc I can't compete with those who are below than me for scholarships. Life is unfair and I should be grateful and just accept the offer.

Rm 180 000 for a 3-year journalism degree in Australia. I might as well get a RM 150 000 medical degree from Russia. At least there will never be a jobless doctor because they are always in demand and I can probably pay back the student loan in a few years not a few decades compared to a journalist's meagre salary.

All I can do is just wallow in self pity and suck it up and take the damn offer and study in Sarawak til I lose my mind.