New Year's Resolution 2013

Today is the last day of the year (again) so let me see what I can cross out from my resolution checklist. Time has gone by surprisingly fast but that's kinda good, I think, cos I don't really like how this year turned out to be. I spent the first half of my year working in Vivo Hotel so basically there goes my supposedly 9-month holiday. Then the rest of my year was spent in Unimas, a university out in the woop woop. Yep, that's it.

• accept my STPM results with an open heart
When the results were out, you basically HAVE TO calculate your GPA yourself and when i got mine, my hands were trembling so much and I was so nervous I couldn't even math. When I regain my composure and figured out my GPA, I was half-screaming because I got exactly the pointer needed for entry into the local university. Although it was pretty shitty, I was glad because my prayers were answered. Thanks, Jesus.

 • get driver's license
YESSS this has got to be the biggest achievement of my life. I was declared a full-fledged licensed driver at the end of August, just in time for my enrollment. You have no idea how much I whined at my mom for her to finally let me get my license. I have more whining to do, too, because she wouldn't let me TOUCH HER CAR. I have a license for Pete's sake. Apparently she doesn't like being chauffeured to work. 

• continue my studies in USA
 This is by far my biggest disappointment. Nope, my hopes were dashed. I don't have enough money, and never will. I get envious of my friends who continued their studies overseas. You lucky bastards.

• positive thinking
My anxieties were alleviated when my grandpa had a seizure, and ever since then whenever I hear a loud thumping noise when I'm trying to sleep, I relive the exact moment when I heard my grandpa fall followed my my grandma's disheartened screams. It's horrible, to top it off my grandma fell and had to go to the hospital. It makes me hate being confined here feeling so helpless.

My last resolution was omitted due to cringe issues. When I blog and write cringey stuff I tend to forget I actually have viewers and it might come back to haunt me so better not. Overall, I didn't really like this year because honestly it could have been better but it wasn't... Glad it's going to be over in another 2 1/2 hours.

Farewell, 2013. It has been a rolley-coastey ride.

   
 

My Anxieties Is Killing Me (Pre-STPM results)

Omg so tomorrow is THE day ! THE day that I've been waiting for all my life, the day I've been preparing since kindergarten for. Right now I am having a lot of different emotions all jumbled up together, pretty similar like a bowl of rojak, but stale rojak. And I don't even like rojak !
Let's break this down.

Nervous : Holy shit I've been nervous all week, wait, it dates back to prehistoric era, not even last week. Its the feeling where you get called up on stage to recite a story you were supposed to memorise over the weekend but your dumb ass brain just decides to forget everything when you have the mic over your sahara desert mouth. Yeh unfortunately it happened to me when I was 7 years old.. and everyone legit laughed at me. And with that nervousness you get a weird sensation that you have to expel faeces from your rectum. It's just like fly eggs in your stomach, instead of the usual butterflies.

Panicky : Omg what if I don't get good enough pointer to get into a university, then I will have to work at the hotel for life and significantly reduce 69% of my IQ by the time I turn 21. What if I don't get 2.00 pointer and everybody gets. What if I can't accept the truth that I did badly and commit suicide?  After all this is my second chance at redemption, also my final chance at education. If so, I have to get started on my will.

Regret : I am overwhelmed with regret for not studying hard enough when I had the chance. I regret not making full use of my potential and I fucking regret procrastinating so much. And I hate my brain. And now I'm just thinking of all the possibilities of me getting good results IF I had studied.

Guilt : I am feeling guilty to have wasted my parents effort to give me a better education but I am just screwing everything up. And now I'm regretting for something I don't even know yet, I'm hoping my results aren't that bad because I'm only expecting a 2.00, nothing more. But if in any cause I miraculously get a 2.0 ++ then I will accept it even better. I have a lot in my mind right now, like, what if I don't live up to people's expectations and I end up disappointing everybody, including my grandparents who so want to see me as a university graduate. And they don't have much time left. Ahh shit.

Basically all that's going through my mind is me hoping for the best but expecting the worse. What if this is the price I pay for slacking off in school? This indeed is a heavy price then. I'mm just so fucking nervous, I don't know what to expect. I'm so nervous I'm so nervous I'm so nervous oh shit oh shit oh shit God have mercy.

Well I guess it's too late to turn back now, but one thing is sure ; if I were to know that I would end up regretting everything, I would still have down the same thing. This is a road I chose for my own, and I have to bear the consequences. Hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Or dead. That's much worse, no ?


CONCLUSION : I AM SO FUCKING SCARED/ NERVOUS/ ANXIOUS/ PANICKY FOR MY DOOMSDAY TOMORROW. 
 AND I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH TODAY! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.