2014 Resolutions

I haven't thought about my resolutions yet, actually, so I will make things up as I go. I feel so aimless, but then again it's not a good thing to aim so high only to fall so hard. Whoever told me that it will be a piece of cake to get 4.0 in uni is a big fat liar! It's only the first semester and I'm already struggling to keep all my subjects balanced between the 80-100 mark. Lesson learnt - do not take "advices" so seriously.

• get a gpa of 3.7 and above for all my semesters

Why 3.7 ? Because I can actually waive my loan and not pay back. I've already owed about 20k by the time I graduate so it would really benefit me to not spend RM150 of my first paycheck to pay off my debt and subsequently take out RM150 every month til my debt is all paid. Fuck being a student is so tough.

• exercise

I haven't done any exercising since I stopped in November 2011 so it would really be good to dust my shoes and get back on track and get a decent body. For my future navel piercing. 

• get another piercing
If my navel piercing didn't reject I'd be so happy but no, my bitch of a body HAS TO kick it out. I'm eyeing for a rook piercing too. Piercings are fun and exciting.

• learn to forgive and forget

Why harbor hate towards someone who doesn't even remember if s/he has hurt you ? So from now on if anyone say/ do mean things to me I should probably just forget about it cause chances are I'm sacrificing my happiness over some assholes being mean. (Well my social science lecturer was being the ultimate bitch yesterday so I'm still kinda angry she had to react the way she did but TODAY IS A DIFFERENT DAY it's a new me so I forgive her.)

• spend more time with my grandparents
I'd really like to be able to drive my grandparents anywhere they want to because I have a drivers license now and I am willing to be a free personal chauffeur. Maybe this excitement will wear off once I have my own kids and have to dread driving them to school. 

Wow this list is so short I really have nothing better to come up with. Probably will add to this list when I think of something worth doing. Yea. I should really get back to my studies.

New Year's Resolution 2013

Today is the last day of the year (again) so let me see what I can cross out from my resolution checklist. Time has gone by surprisingly fast but that's kinda good, I think, cos I don't really like how this year turned out to be. I spent the first half of my year working in Vivo Hotel so basically there goes my supposedly 9-month holiday. Then the rest of my year was spent in Unimas, a university out in the woop woop. Yep, that's it.

• accept my STPM results with an open heart
When the results were out, you basically HAVE TO calculate your GPA yourself and when i got mine, my hands were trembling so much and I was so nervous I couldn't even math. When I regain my composure and figured out my GPA, I was half-screaming because I got exactly the pointer needed for entry into the local university. Although it was pretty shitty, I was glad because my prayers were answered. Thanks, Jesus.

 • get driver's license
YESSS this has got to be the biggest achievement of my life. I was declared a full-fledged licensed driver at the end of August, just in time for my enrollment. You have no idea how much I whined at my mom for her to finally let me get my license. I have more whining to do, too, because she wouldn't let me TOUCH HER CAR. I have a license for Pete's sake. Apparently she doesn't like being chauffeured to work. 

• continue my studies in USA
 This is by far my biggest disappointment. Nope, my hopes were dashed. I don't have enough money, and never will. I get envious of my friends who continued their studies overseas. You lucky bastards.

• positive thinking
My anxieties were alleviated when my grandpa had a seizure, and ever since then whenever I hear a loud thumping noise when I'm trying to sleep, I relive the exact moment when I heard my grandpa fall followed my my grandma's disheartened screams. It's horrible, to top it off my grandma fell and had to go to the hospital. It makes me hate being confined here feeling so helpless.

My last resolution was omitted due to cringe issues. When I blog and write cringey stuff I tend to forget I actually have viewers and it might come back to haunt me so better not. Overall, I didn't really like this year because honestly it could have been better but it wasn't... Glad it's going to be over in another 2 1/2 hours.

Farewell, 2013. It has been a rolley-coastey ride.

   
 

The Malaysian West Virginia

     For my political science assignment,  we have to find a political event and then describe it. My team chose a political event somewhere out in the woop woop, in the outskirts of Kuching and deep inside a dark road. There was not a single street lamp in sight -  I kid you not.

     On the way there, my sceneries to my left and right were both the most fluorescent greenest grass you will ever see in your life. The houses were far apart and it's just greens. It reminded me so much of my stay in West Virginia and honestly, for a moment there I convinced myself I was.

     When we got there, it was a true village. It gave me a similar feeling to my hometown in the rubber estates. Small kids were playing in the small little river accompanied by their parents and oh did I mention the water was UNPOLLUTED AND CLEAR and right at that moment I wanted to jump in. When the time had come, the village head literally screamed into the microphone on the audio system to call out all the villagers. Everyone exited their house in their best traditional costume - the Bidayuh traditional wear.

     One of my observations was that some of people there are so old like omg you must be at least 90 years old! And another observation would be when the village head spoke to us in ENGLISH!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DIDN'T KNOW OLD  PEOPLE IN REMOTE VILLAGES SPOKE ENGLISH!
Shame on you youngsters in universities that cannot even understand simple English.

THE Roommate

I can't believe I'm nice enough to write an entire post dedicated to my roommate. Well here's the thing : this is going to be really negative. Proceed at your own risk.  Not for the sympathetic-hearted.
Two nights ago while I was on the phone in my room ,  my roommate motioned to the door while carrying a backpack,  so I knew she wanted to go out.  I motioned back "go ahead" and then she went.  I didn't manage to ask her where she was going cos there were housemates in the living room so anyone would naturally assume she's gonna be outside studying or whatnot. When I finished exposing my ear to radiation,  I went out and the living room was empty. I didn't know where she went so I got back to my room and slept like a log. 
The next morning,  I thought I heard the roommate's alarm so okay ,  she's back. Since I didn't have any classes I stayed home all day and totally forgot about her until I came back from the library at 12am. GUESS what?  She still wasn't home. I asked my housemate and they said she messaged saying she would be out late but it's already too damn late and they messaged her again but no news.
I got so scared I couldn't even sleep last night. I had so many "what-ifs"  running through my mind. What if she was kidnapped?  What if she was raped?  What if she was KILLED and comes back and haunts me??  I was so damn paranoid I slept with the lights on.  The rationale behind this?  I was afraid she would manifest as a ghost and come back to disturb me.  When I woke up today my eyes were hurting so bad from the glare ugh stupid roommate.
Then at 9.18 sharp she walked through the door as I was eating Maggi. I interrogated her and her explanation for disappearing was cos her "friend"  didn't send her back last night. "FRIEND",  YOU SAY ? You dumb ass just say you went and slept with a guy last night cos I honestly don't give a damn. I don't give a damn about you being missing either,  I just didn't want to be dragged into your problems incase you happen to be found dead in some drain.
So do you see how nice of a roommate I am? I wake you up when you can't wake up for classes in which  you never returned me the favor. I sweep all of your nasty hair you drop all over the house. And I don't make a shitload of noises when I know you have classes late in the afternoon whereas I have classes at dawn. But you do all of the opposites.
You snooze your alarm from 7 til 8 right before your classes start. You never bothered to wake me up when I overslept. And you...  Ugh.
I can't wait to move out.

Not Headstrong Enough.

Well,  today is my 12th day here in Unimas. If I was a little more rebellious and stubborn I could have been funding my way through some expensive universities in KL,  but I wasn't. My dad is harder than steel but I'm only a piece of termite-infested wood.

Before I got here I really resented my dad so much for throwing me here out in nowhere. I still do,  because in this uni there is no working wifi and I don't have broadband,  only really limited mobile data that I try not to use up so fast. Well so far it's looking good,  although my first few days here were a total disaster cos my room looks like a prison cell. When I first got into my room I wanted to just lie down on the floor and cry but I realised the floor is actually really filthy as fuck so I didn't lie down,  I just cried. Don't even get me started on my roommate cos WHO SLEEPS ON A DORM MATTRESS WITHOUT AT LEAST TWO LAYERS OF BEDSHEETS or even one layer for the matter ???? We have communication issues too,  I don't speak mandarin and she doesn't speak English (why???)

Moving on to friends.  I'm so grateful making friends is not an issue for me cos so far I have quite a few friends apart from ex schoolmates.  Best thing about having friends here is wherever I go I will definitely bump into a friend or two and I  feel popular. For like a fraction of a second then I go back to feeling like a wallpaper again.  Hah. 

As for school,  I am taking modern economics and political science (and a few other boring subjects)  I mean WHY modern economics??  Gosh if I wanted economics surely I would have applied to study for economics,  right????  BUT I DIDNT,  RIGHT?!  At least my political science class is interesting and I have an edge over everyone in my class cos nobody seems to be interested in it except for me.  This could kick-start my career as a future corrupt politician,  who knows. And I'll have all your hard earned money to spend on my poodle. Yeah beat that suckers.

The weather here is really batshit crazy though,  just like me know my period except for I'm not on my period every day.  You will NEED an umbrella everywhere you go.  The sun is either burning hot or the clouds hate you and decide to pee on you randomly.  And there are plenty of black birds here too...  Not sure if Ravens or crows but they're most probably associated with black magic. Kinda creepy so I just try not to dwell on it so much.

Nobody Gives A Fuck Anyway

Fuck it all. Where are friends when you need them? Why is it that I can be there for all of you but when I need somebody to rely on, no one comes forward? When I tell you my unhappiness, you say I need to stop being so negative about myself. What do you know if all along you had life the easy way ? SERIOUSLY TAKE A BIG FAT FUCK YOU FROM ME TO ALL OF YOU. 

I'm lost. I don't know where to begin or what to do... I guess I deserve all these mishaps that's happening to me. My parents don't understand. Nobody is willing to hear me out and give me encouraging advices. Just let me die. It's okay. It's not like my existence matter to any of you all anyway. One less burden to my dad. ONE LESS BURDEN TO EVERYONE. 

Can Everyone Just SHUT THE FECK UP

I know the deadline for the offer from UniMas is approaching but for god's sake you don't have to remind me every half a fraction of a second about it!!! Even Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to stand all of y'alls whinyness if he was still alive. Seriously. Give me some TIME okay I don't need your automated biological alarm clock that's programmed to annoy me every damn minute. I am a mature young adult that is just trying to sort her shitty life out so please cut me some slack. Right now what I need is guidance, not pressure. 
I am lost. I don't know where I'm going with my life. This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make, like, I can't even figure out what I wanna eat for breakfast lunch or dinner let alone a life-changing decision like this. Now my dad is telling me a communications degree isn't going to be able to pay for the bills or even feed a starving African child, so he suggested a business degree. It does sound more promising than Communications, I mean, the biggest achievement I think I'd be proud of myself from a communications degree would be broadcasting to everyone I collect old newspapers while casually sitting in a creepy white van going round neighbourhoods.
Oh and he also suggested me to take up civil engineering... dad, do I look like a genius to you? 

I just want everyone around me to just shut up for one day. ONE day. That's all I'm asking for. I felt my eyes water up when my mom told me to take up the UniMAS offer the other day, so I just ended the call. Soon after my aunt in KL called and asked why I slammed mom's phone... and asked me to go to UniMAS ALSO. I was ready to bawl my eyes out already. Even my aunt doesn't understand. Why don't anyone realize I DON'T WANNA GO TO UNIMAS? 

Can anyone hear me ? I feel like I'm talking to the moon.